FABLES OF THE ELITE 




"The Only Book that Helps is Your Bank Book." 



J? ^ 



FABLES OF 
THE ELITE 



By 

DOROTHY DlX^.^vXix^. 



Illustrated by 
JAMES A. SWINNERTON 



* 



R. F. FENNO & COMPANY 

9 and II EAST i6th STREET, NEW YORK 
1902 



These sketches originally appeared in the columtis 
of'^ The New York Journal,^'' and the author and 
publishers -wish to ackno^vledge the cotirtesy of the 
Editor in permitting their publication in book form 






Copyright, 1901 
By W. R. Hearst 

Copyright, 1902 
By R. F. Fenno & Company 



THE LIBFiARY i»F 

CONGRESS, 
Two Copies Recetve* 

MAY. y 1902 

CorfRI»HT ENTRY 

CLASSv «- XXo. No. 
CbPY 0. 



V 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 

The Bear who Loved the Tigress, . 7 

The Goat who Played the Races, . 17 

How THE Owl Became an Oracle, , 27 
The Female Goose and the Silly 

Hens, 37 

The Colt who had a College Educa- 
tion, 47 

The Bear who Tried to be Truth- 
ful, 59 

The Lion who was a Prize, . . 71 
The Bearess whose Indifference 

Charmed, 81 

The Bearess who was Too Good, . 91 
The Donkey who Learned to Kick, . 99 
The Donkey who Arbitrated So- 
ciety, ...... 109 

The Hen who Understood the Game, 119 



Contents 

PAGE 

The Bearess who Wanted a Career, 129 
The Goat who was a Shining Light, 139 
The Elephantess who Tried to be 

Cute, 151 

The Bear who was Happy though 

Married, . 161 

The Lion who Knew it All, . . 171 
The Bear who Travelled on his 

Nerve, 181 

The Donkey who Admired his Own 

Perspicacity, 191 

The Bears who Solved the Divorce 

Problem, 201 

The Bear who Found Nothing in 

Economy, 213 

The Bearess who had Money, . . 223 
The Bear whose Name was Willie 

Wisdom, 233 

The Lion who Tackled Public Of- 
fice, 243 

The Bears who Butted in on a 

Strange Game, .... 251 



FABLES OF THE ELITE 



THE BEAR WHO LOVED THE 

TIGRESS. 

There was once a Bear who fell in 
Love with a young Tigress who was 
the Belle of the Forest. She was a 
graceful and beautiful young Thing, 
who had spent all her Time in Man 
Hunting, and had no Domestic 
Tastes whatever, but that did not 
prevent the Bear from desiring her 
for a Wife. 

" When She has the Inspiration of 
my Presence," He said to Those who 
advised him to Marry in his own 

7 



Fables of the Elite 



Class, " she will be a Changed Crea- 
ture. I shall Mould her Character 
to suit My Ideal of what a Wife 
should Be." 

During the Days of Courtship the 
Bear was all that Heart could Wish. 
At Night, although he would much 
rather have sat quietly At Home, he 
accompanied the Tigress on long 
Moonlit strolls, and pretended that 
he Enjoyed them. He Fed her on 
Bonbons, and when the Jackals gave 
an Amateur Concert for the benefit 
of the Fish who were drowned out in 
the Flood, he escorted her to it, al- 
though he had no Ear for Music and 
could not tell Tannhauser from An- 
heuser-Busch. He was, also, so 
much Afraid she would forget that 
he Loved her that he told her the 

8 







" Beauteous Creature, be Mine. " 



Fables of the Elite 



story over and over, until he made 
her Tired. 

" Beauteous Creature ! " he cried. 
" Be Mine. This Velvet Paw shall 
never Harden itself with doing 
Aught but Soothing my Fevered 
Brow. I ask for Nothing Better than 
to be your Slave, and stand between 
you and the hard, hard World. 
Your Slightest wish shall be my 
Law, and I shall Devote my Life to 
the Single Purpose of Making you 
Happy, if you will only be my "Wife." 

The Tigress had had the Inesti- 
mable Advantage of having been 
brought up by a Mamma who thor- 
oughly understood a Mother's Duty 
and had taught her Daughters to 
know a Good Thing when they saw 
it. Wherefore the Tigress thought: 
II 



Fables of the Elite 



"This is a Snap. At Last I have 
found Something I can Work and a 
Soul that responds unto my Own." 
So she accepted the Bear, and their 
wedding was a Large and Fashion- 
able affair, attended by the descend- 
ants of Those who came over in the 
Ark. 

As soon as the Marriage ceremony 
was over the Bear Dumped his Wife 
down in their Home and went about 
his Business. His affection appeared 
to drop from Fever Heat to Below 
Normal, and he Ceased Love-Making 
with a suddenness that gave the 
Bride a Nasty Jar. Furthermore he 
acted as if being Married to him were 
amusement Enough for Anybody, 
and he Quit bringing his Wife Choc- 
olate Creams, as if she had Lost her 

12 



Fables of the Elite 



Sweet Tooth. When she Proposed 
to take a Moonlit Stroll, like they 
used to, he told her that Night Air 
was unhealthy and that he did not 
propose to be Dragged around to 
Parties and Theatres. At Breakfast 
and in the Evenings he Sat up and 
Devoured the Papers, in order to 
Find out what the Other Bears and 
Bulls were doing, and when his Wife 
spoke to him he merely Growled. 

This was a Great Surprise to Mrs. 
Bear. "This is not what He Led 
me to Expect," she said to herself. 
" I thought Marriage with him would 
be a Picnic. I find it is a Funeral, 
in which I seem to be the Remains. 
I married for a Companion. I have 
gotten a Dummy. If the Fur Ani- 
mal in front of a Shop should be 
13 



Fables of the Elite 



Substituted for my Husband, I 
should never find out the difference 
in their Conversational Ability." At 
this Mrs. Bear shed a few tears, and 
then she surveyed herself in a Mir- 
ror, and Perceiving that she was still 
young and beautiful, she Cheered 
Up. 

"There are just as good Fish in 
the Sea as have Ever Been Caught," 
she reflected, "and, thank Heaven, I 
have not Lost my Bait." There- 
upon she wiped away her Tears and 
because her Husband had not thought 
it Worth While to amuse her him- 
self, she started out to amuse her- 
self. 

This created no Comment. It is 
what Many Wives do. Moreover, 
Mrs. Bear's morals were of the most 
14 



Fables of the Elite 



Recherche Society Brand, so she con- 
ducted herself with Great Discretion, 
and it was Quite Three Years before 
she Established a Dakota Residence 
and sued Mr. Bear for Divorce and 
Alimony. 

Now Mr. Bear had not Intended 
to be Unkind or Neglectful to His 
Wife. He merely forgot that, being 
a Female, she belonged to the Cat 
Family, and could not help her Na- 
ture, which leads her to Snuggle up 
to Warm Things and Scratch Back 
when any one Rubs the Fur the 
Wrong Way. 

Moral: This Fable teaches that 
When a Man Ceases to Make Love 
to His Wife, Some Other Man Be- 
gins. 



IS 



THE GOAT WHO PLAYED 
THE RACES. 

There was once a Goat who was 
something of a Rounder. His friends 
called him Billy, and Chorus Girls, 
for whom he bought Bottles and 
Birds, spoke of him as Willie, and 
opined that he was a Good Thing 
that ought to be Pushed along, but 
his real name was William Harlem 
Goat, and he belonged to one of our 
first Families. He was not the sort 
of an individual that Parents hold 
up as an Example to their Offspring, 
but so far from being filled with Re- 
morse and Repentance at this, Wil- 

2 17 



Fables of the Elite 



liam merely wagged his wicked 
French Beard. 

" I am not in the Living Model 
business," he said to Those who Re- 
monstrated with him, " nor am I giv- 
ing Imitations of a Correct Life, but 
I have Butted into my share of Con- 
vivial Occasions, and the Fun I have 
seen would make your Hair Curl." 

After William had sown a Crop of 
Wild Oats as Large as a Dakota 
Wheat Ranch he fell in Love with a 
Beautiful and Innocent young Fe- 
male who did stunts teaching a Sun- 
day School class, and who was too 
good for this Wicked World. She 
was one of those Estimable Creatures 
who are an Ornament to their Sex, 
and who think that Everything that 
Everybody Else does is Wrong. She 
i8 




"I HAVE A Tip that is a Lead Pipe Cinch on a Sure 
Thing, and We will Make the Bookies Look Sick." 



19 



Fables of the Elite 



belonged to all the Anti-Societies 
and Read Improving Books, and only 
ate Health Food Messes that were 
good for her Digestion. As a Model 
of all the Virtues she was It. 

As soon as she Married William, 
she felt it her Sacred Duty to Reform 
him, and show him how Bad for him 
everything was that he Liked. She 
gave all of his Old Friends the Mar- 
ble Heart when they came to see 
him, because she said they led him 
into Temptation. Besides she be- 
lieved in a Wife being All in All to 
her Husband. She, also, sat up for 
him when he went to Lodge Meet- 
ings, and when he returned Home 
at 3 A.M., with a Dark Red Breath, 
she said things about the Errors of 
His ways that would have made a 

21 



Fables of the Elite 



Talking Machine look like Thirty 
Cents. 

"This is a new Graft to me," Wil- 
liam remarked softly to himself, 
"and if I had known Beforehand 
that Matrimony was a Continuous 
Lecture Lyceum, I should not have 
been such a Lobster as to get in the 
Push. I feel like a Person who has 
gone out to hunt for Trouble, and 
Found it a-plenty. At present the 
Blessing of having a Superior Wife 
is a little wearing on my Nerves, but 
perhaps after a while I shall be able 
to Lead the Higher Life without 
Yawning." 

It chanced that one day, just as 
the Pin Feathers in William's Angel 
Wings were beginning to Sprout, he 
met up with a Goat who had been 

22 



Fables of the Elite 



one of his Boon Companions in the 
Past, and who greeted him Hilari- 
ously. 

"Come with me," he cried, "and 
let us go to the Races and Play the 
Ponies. I have a Tip that is a 
Lead Pipe Cinch on a Sure Thing, 
and we will make the Bookies look 
Sick." 

So William went with his Friend, 
and they won out on a Fifty to One 
Shot, and had Money to Burn, but 
that night when William returned 
Home his Wife was waiting for him 
with an air of mingled Offended Vir- 
tue and Cold Dinner. 

"Where have you been?" she 
asked. 

"To the Races," replied William. 

"Alas," cried Mrs. Goat, "how 
23 



Fables of the Elite 



often have I warned you against the 
Immorality of Gambling? Do you 
not realize the sinful enormity of 
indulging in games of chance? It 
is the first step on the downward 
Path that leads to Ruin and Beg- 
gary. What would become of you 
if you had not my Example of Incor- 
ruptible Principle, and my Hand to 
Drag you back from a Gambler's 
Doom?" 

"But," replied the Goat, going 
down in his Jeans and fishing out a 
Roll of the Long Green as big as an 
Olive Bottle, " I won, and j^ou may 
go and buy yourself an Automobile 
Coat and a Diamond Brooch if you 
Desire to." 

"Say no more," cried Mrs. Goat, 
falling on his Neck. " I perceive 
24 



Fables of the Elite 



that I have had a Foolish Prejudice 
against Gambling, and that there 
may be Points about it that com- 
mend it to even those who Lead the 
Most Correct Life. Besides, when 
you Win it is not Gambling. It is 
Judgment." 

Moral : This Fable Teaches that it 
is Immoral to Lose. 



25 



HOW THE OWL BECAME AN 
ORACLE. 

There was once an Owl who was 
greatly Respected, and occupied a 
High Position in the Forest in which 
he lived, because he was the Presi- 
dent of the Chicken Trust and had 
Gobbled up all the Poultry Stock in 
the Neighborhood. The only draw- 
back to the Owl's complete Happi- 
ness was that his only Son was a 
most stupid Creature, whose Brains 
were located in his Feet, and who 
had Comic Opera and Gin Fizz 
Tastes. At length, however, the 
Owl fell sick, and. Perceiving that 
27 



Fables of the Elite 



the End was drawing near, he sent 
for his son, and thus Addressed him : 
"The Time has come," he said, 
" when I must leave you. You will 
find that I have Feathered my Nest 
Well, and that in order you may not 
come to Want I have Tied my Prop- 
erty up in Trust for you in such a 
Manner it will not Pay you to break 
my Will. I have Tried to be a good 
Father to you. I have let you Sep- 
arate me from my Dough in Chunks 
while you were seeing Life, and I 
have spent as much educating you 
in Football as would have supported 
a Public School, but I do not Com- 
plain. That is what Parents are 
Here For. It's a Pity I cannot 
Leave you my Gray Matter as well 
as the Plunks, but I will give you a 
28 




Half the Time Our Fellow Creatures Would Not 
Find Out What Fools We Are if We did Not Tell 
Them Ourselves." 



29 



Fables of the Elite 



Piece of Advice, that, Faithfully 
Followed, will take its Place. Don't 
Talk. Silence is an Excellent Sub- 
stitute for Sense. Half the Time 
our Fellow Creatures would not find 
out what Fools we are if we did not 
Tell them Ourselves." 

Having thus Performed his Duty, 
the old Owl folded his Wings Peace- 
fully and gave up the Ghost, and the 
young Owl Pondered deeply over 
what he had Heard. 

"There is much Justice in what 
the Governor Remarked," he Re- 
flected, " and I will take his Advice. 
Besides, I do not Care to Talk. It 
interferes with Eating at Dinner, 
and by the Time I Think of a Thing, 
anyway, some other Johnnie has said 
It, and they Give me the Laugh." 
31 



Fables of the Elite 



From that Day the Owl was a 
changed Being. He no longer Tried 
to be Funny, and from having been 
a Selling Plater he became a Hot 
Favorite in Society. It is True that 
when he visited a Female she had 
to Work and Perspire like a Coal 
Heaver entertaining him, but she 
said afterward that it was a Pleasure 
and a Privilege to Converse with 
any one whose Views of Life were 
so Deep, and Hostesses began to ask 
old Hens who belonged to Brown- 
ing Clubs to Meet him. In the 
Smoking Rooms of the Clubs he al- 
ways agreed with the Man who was 
laying down the Law about how Golf 
ought to be Played, and said that 
was the Right Way, so he got to be 
a great Authority on Sports, although 
32 



Fables of the Elite 



he never Played himself, because he 
said the Doctor Forbade it. Like- 
wise he Refrained from foretelling 
what the Democratic Party was 
Going to Do until after It had Done 
it. Then he said he Could have 
Told them All the Time, and People 
began to Revere him as a Political 
Prophet who was Stuffed with Wis- 
dom. 

"It is Clear," said the Animals 
when they gathered together, " that 
the owl is an Individual of the most 
Profound Intellect and Penetrating 
"Wisdom and Foresight, for he is the 
Only one of us All who has Not Been 
Convicted out of his Own mouth of 
some Egregious Mistake." 

" He is a perfect Napoleon of Fi- 
nance," cried the Shorn Lambs. 
3 S3 



Fables of the Elite 






" He does not Advise us to get on 
the Wrong Side of the Market as do 
the Bulls and Bears." 

" What Political Acumen he dis- 
plays!" exclaimed another. "He 
never makes Mistakes like the Asses 
who figure out the Returns before 
the Election." 

"As a Dead Game Sport," said 
others, " he is a Peacherina. We do 
not recall a Single Case in which we 
have Backed an 'Also Ran ' on his 
Advice. He Knows it All." So the 
Owl's Reputation for Sagacity and 
Wisdom Spread and Remained Un- 
dimmed because he refused to give 
out Signed Statements of his Views, 
and when Reporters Camped on his 
Trail he said he Never Talked for 
Publication. 

34 



Fables of the Elite 



At last the time arrived when the 
Country needed to be Saved again, 
and Certain of the Animals Cast 
about for a Candidate. 

"Let us Nominate the Owl," they 
cried, "and we shall have a Walk- 
Over, for he will never have to Ex- 
plain that he Meant One Thing when 
he said the Opposite in a Previous 
Speech, nor will he have to Back 
Down before the Indiscreet Utter- 
ances of his Youth." So the Owl 
was nominated by Acclamation and 
Became the Great Silent Statesman 
of the Country and was Looked upon 
as an Oracle. 

Moral: This Fable Teaches that 
nothing so becomes a Fool as a Shut 
Mouth. 



35 



THE FEMALE GOOSE AND 
THE SILLY HENS. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Barnyard inhabited by a large num- 
ber of most intelligent Fowls. The 
Male Fowls ruled the roost, and 
scratched early and late trying to 
provide nice juicy Worms for their 
Families, while the Female Fowls 
constituted the Lay Members of the 
Community, and Peace and Harmony 
reigned supreme for many Years. 

At Last, however, a Female Goose 

found her way into the Barnyard, 

and began to stir up Trouble. She 

said she had a Sacred Mission to 

37 



Fables of the Elite 



Strike the Shackles of Slavery off 
her Sex, so she called a Mass Meet- 
ing of the Hens and addressed them 
with great Fervor and many Words. 
" We did not Know," said the Hens 
to each other, when she had fin- 
ished speaking, " that we were Down- 
trodden and Oppressed, but now that 
our Attention is called to it, we Per- 
ceive that we have Grievances that 
ought to be Righted. There is no 
Reason why Hens should be Tied 
Down to the Home Nest v/hile 
Roosters disport themselves on the 
Political Dung Pile. It is True that 
it is generally a Nasty and Unattrac- 
tive Place, and that the Cock who is 
crowing loudest on it is the first to 
get it in the Neck when the Cook 
wants something to put in the Con- 
38 




.-i^--^""" 



A.T Last a Female Goose Found Her Way into the 
Barnyard, and Began to Stir up Trouble." 



39 



Fables of the Elite 



somme. Still, there would be no Vo- 
ters and no Political Jobs to Hatch 
out if it were not for us, and a Hen 
has just as much Right to get in the 
Muck as a Rooster, if she wants to. 

"There is no justice in the Way 
in which Things are managed, Any- 
how. Male Creatures always act as 
if they had a Monopoly of all the 
Privileges and Perquisites of Life, 
and expect Female Creatures to be 
Satisfied with merely Doing their 
Duty. Furthermore, they Shunt on 
us all the Burden of Making a 
Happy Home, and are Surprised and 
Shocked when we Grow Weary of 
the Hollow Mockery of setting on a 
China Door Knob and Leave the 
Nest. Besides, they do not give us 
a Fair Share of the Dough." 
41 



Fables of the Elite 



There was much Justice in this 
Reasoning, so the Female Fowls be- 
gan to gather themselves together, 
and Hen Clubs were established in 
which the Members did much Cack- 
ling, and loudly asserted their In- 
alienable Right to a Latch Key, and 
the Privilege of Scratching for their 
own Living. 

The Young and Attractive Pullets 
took no Part in this Movement, and 
certain wise old Hens, who were fly 
Birds, were heard to Express the 
Opinion that a Husband who was a 
good Provider could make a Chromo 
of Female Liberty Enlightening the 
World look Like a Two Spot any 
day. But these were scoffed at as 
Unprogressive and showing a Sub- 
servient Spirit, and there was a 
42 



Fables of the Elite 



Stampede away from the Barnyard, 
in which many Hens of weak and 
hysterical intellect rushed out into 
the wide, wide World without know- 
ing which way they were Headed. 

Because they had never Tried it, 
they thought they were a Johnny on 
the Spot, and could do anything. 
"Here is a beautiful Lake," cried 
some; "what is to prevent a Free 
and Independent Hen from winning 
the Champion long distance swim- 
ming Record? " "We have made a 
Mistake in not going in for Ath- 
letics," exclaimed Others; "Here- 
after we will race with the Grey- 
hound." And it was only after 
many Hens had been drowned and 
others were in the Sanitariums that 
they found out that Females who 
43 



Fables of the Elite 



walk pigeon-toed cannot do Certain 
Things, because they are not Built 
that Way. 

At first the Roosters Regarded the 
New Movement with Consternation. 
" What do the Unreasonable Crea- 
tures want," they asked each other, 
" better than to stay under the Shel- 
ter of our Wings, and let us do their 
thinking for them? Of course, we 
expect them to Enjoy Things that 
would Bore us to Death, and we 
should not like to beg a Nickel for 
Car Fare, even from a Kind and 
Generous Wife, but Somebody has 
got to Maintain the Standard of Vir- 
tue in the Home, and we are willing 
to Give them the Credit for it, as 
long as we Get the Fun." 

But it was not long before a 
44 



Fables of the Elite 



Change came over the Spirit of the 
Barnyard. Roosters who had been 
notoriously Henpecked and who had 
worn off their Toe nails hunting 
Worms for their Families were seen 
wearing new Tail feathers and Mak- 
ing Life one Grand, Sweet Song at 
the Drinking Trough. 

"I perceive," said the Owl, ob- 
serving this, "that you stood in on 
Northern Pacific." 

"Not at all," returned the Roost- 
ers, " but our Wives have so Plainly 
demonstrated their Ability to Scratch 
for a Living, we are permitting them 
to Scratch for Two." 

Moral : This Fable teaches that the 
Woman who knows how to Support 
herself will Always have to do It. 



45 



THE COLT WHO HAD A COL- 
LEGE EDUCATION. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
common Dray Horse, who, by dint 
of long Straining on the Collar, 
amassed a large Fortune. He was 
not a Thoroughbred, and he had 
grown Hump Shouldered from pull- 
ing heavy Loads up Hill; but, nev- 
ertheless, he was greatly respected 
in the community in which he lived. 

Now, the Dray Horse had a son, 
a promising young Colt, to whom he 
was much Devoted, and he deter- 
mined to spare no Expense in train- 
ing him for the Race of Life. 
47 



Fables of the Elite 



"I feel," said the Dray Horse, 
"that I have been Handicapped by 
my lack of Early Opportunities. It 
is True that when the Spurt is over 
I am generally in the Money, but I 
opine I should have been Speedier 
if I had had the Advantages of a 
University Course. Things also Hap- 
pen when I raise my Voice in the 
Stock Pit, but what might not I have 
done if I had had the benefit of 
Learning a College Yell in my 
Youth?" 

So the Colt was sent to an expen- 
sive and Famous Training Estab- 
lishment, where he cultivated a 
Large Crop of Wild Oats, and learned 
to go all the Gaits. At length, how- 
ever, he returned home with a Choice 
Collection of Unpaid Bills, and a Col- 
48 




The Dray Horse Had a Promising Young Son, 



49 



Fables of the Elite 



lege Diploma tied with a Blue Rib- 
bon. The Dray Horse, who knew a 
Father's Business, paid the Debts 
without a Murmur, and then he 
called the Colt into his private Office 
and thus addressed him : 

" You are now about to enter the 
Futurity Race for which you have 
been so long Preparing, and I wish 
to give you a word of advice. Here- 
tofore all your Training has been 
done on a Smooth Course, with a 
Pace Maker going in front, and a 
Brass Band playing in the Grand 
Stand. You will find that the Race 
of Life is run over a Rough Track, 
set thick with Hurdles, over which 
you are liable to come a Cropper at 
any minute. You will also be com- 
pelled to carry Weights that are too 
51 



Fables of the Elite 



Heavy for your Age and Form, nor 
can you put any trust in the Dope 
Sheets. Many a Selling Plater beats 
the Hot Favorite in at the Post." 

" Do not Distress yourself on my 
Account," replied the Colt with a 
Patronizing air, "for I am a Sure 
Thing. I apprehend that in your 
Maiden Performances you may have 
had some Difficulties to Overcome, 
but you had not had the advantage 
of the Higher Education as I have. 
The Race will merely be a Walk 
Over for Me, and I shall win in a 
Canter." 

" Have you decided," inquired the 
Dray Horse, " under what Colors you 
are going to Run, and for what 
Stakes you are going to enter? " 

" I consider it the Patriotic Duty 
52 



Fables of the Elite 



of one of my Attainments/* replied 
the Colt, " to Devote his Talents to 
the service of his Country ; hence I 
shall go in for Politics. Eventually 
I shall win the Presidential Cup, but 
at present I shall merely nominate 
myself for the Legislative Handi- 
cap." 

" The Political Purse is a Fat one," 
observed the father with Pride, " and 
if you Work Things Right patriotism 
can always be Made to Pay." 

" I shall not be a Practical Politi- 
cian," returned the Colt with scorn. 
" It shall be my Sacred Mission to 
Smash the Machine, Purify the Bal- 
lot, and Oppose Spoils in Office." 

At hearing these Words the Dray 
Horse wept bitterly. "I perceive," 
he cried, "that I have begotten a 
53 



Fables of the Elite 



Jack Ass instead of a Creature with 
good, hard Horse Sense." But the 
Colt refused to listen to his father's 
Admonition, and he Went his own 
way. He addressed the Voters of 
the 'Steenth Ward until he was 
Hoarse on the Referendum and Civil 
Service Reform, but when the re- 
turns were in he found he had been 
beaten by an Individual without any 
Ideals, but who had a Pull, and knew 
where to place the Dough so that it 
would do the Most Good. 

The Colt then tried to break into 
Journalism, for which he thought 
himself prepared because he was fa- 
miliar with the Classics, and he con- 
tributed many long Essays, full of 
Beautiful Allusions to the Past, to 
the Waste Basket. 
54 



.1 



Fables of the Elite 



"This is not an Ancient History 
Symposium, " the editor said at length 
to him, "and a Badge that will take 
you inside of the Fire Lines is worth 
a Ton of references to Nero Fiddling 
while Rome Burned. It appears to 
me that you have gotten into the 
Wrong Class. You are only fitted 
to Race with the Dead Ones." 

Nor was the Colt more successful 
in the Street. In his first deal in 
Watered Stocks he was left at the 
Post by a mere Common Mud Lark, 
who had had no expensive Training 
whatever, but who had a Knack of 
Arriving on Time. 

These things greatly Grouched the 

Colt, and he went to the Owl and 

told him of his Troubles. " I do not 

understand it," he said. " I have ac- 

55 



Fables of the Elite 



quired the most beautiful Theories 
of how the Race of Life should be 
run, and I have studied out a system 
on Paper that shows to a Mathemati- 
cal certainty how I cannot fail to 
Win, yet I find myself Outdistanced 
by ignorant Creatures who do not 
know anything but their Business." 
"Your mistake," replied the Owl, 
"is in thinking that all Education 
comes put up in Fancy Packages, and 
labelled with a University Brand. 
While you have been studying the 
Scientific principles of Racing, the 
other Youngsters have been learning 
the Track, and the Short cuts to the 
Post. You have the Theory, and 
they have the Experience, and in the 
Race of Life Theory always gets 
Left. You may yet retrieve your 
56 



Fables of the Elite 



Error by forgetting all the Rules of 
the Sport you have been Taught and 
learning to Play the Game as she is 
played. Otherwise you will always 
be one of those who Also Ran." 

Moral : This Fable teaches that it 
takes more than a Copperplate Sig- 
nature to draw Money out of the 
Bank. 



57 



THE BEAR WHO TRIED TO 
BE TRUTHFUL. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
soulful Bear who read Tolstoy and 
who decided that he would join the 
Higher Push and become a rooter 
for the True, the Beautiful and the 
Good. 

"I perceive," he said, "that the 
World is going to the Demnition 
Bow-wows, and that we are all car- 
rying so much Hot Air that unless 
we put in some sort of an escape 
valve we shall blow up and burst. 

" It is also clear to me that while 
Lying may have been a Lead Pipe 
59 



Fables of the Elite 



Cinch that Paid in the Early Colo- 
nial Days, when all the Indians were 
not Buffalos, we have pushed a 
Good Thing too far, and there is 
no one Verdant enough left now to 
even believe a Fact when he hears 
it. 

" When I meet a Fellow-Creature 
on the Rialto and he tells me that he 
has been cast for the Part of Hamlet 
in an all-star production I scale the 
statement down ninety cents on the 
dollar and look for him Carrying a 
Spear in the back row of Supes. 

" Likewise, when a friend informs 
me that his Business is booming and 
that Money is coming to him on 
Wings, I begin to worry over the 
Sawbuck he Touched me for at the 
Races. 

60 




'He Became a Rooter for the True, the Beautiful 
AND THE Good." 

6i 



Fables of the Elite 



" So henceforth my name is Vera- 
cious James, and it's me for the 
Simple, Unadorned Truth. More- 
over, I opine that the Stunt cannot 
fail to make a hit and attract atten- 
tion by its Complete Novelty." 

With that Mr. Bear swelled out his 
Chest until he looked like the Press 
Agent of the Committee of Fifteen, 
and started down the street to put 
his theories into operation. 

The first Creature he met was Mr. 
Lion, who passed him the joyous 
mitt and asked him if he had read 
his article in the Morning Paper. 
Now ordinarily Mr. Bear would have 
given Mr. Lion a jolly about being 
a wonder, and Mr. Lion would have 
bought the drinks, and all would 
have been well. As the Understudy 
63 



Fables of the Elite 



of Truth Mr. Bear could not do this, 
so he replied : 

" Not on your Life. I would have 
to be Chloroformed, and Strong Men 
would have to hold me before any- 
body could stuff any of the Dreary 
Drivel you write down me. 

" More than that, it is the General 
Opinion that if you were following 
the occupation your Brains fit you 
for, you would be driving a Milk 
Wagon instead of Pushing the Pen." 

At these words Mr. Lion was 
greatly offended at first, but he 
turned a pitying glance on Mr. Bear 
as on one who has too much liquor 
under his belt. 

"I perceive," he said, "that you 
are still suffering from last night's 
Jag and do not know what you are 
64 



Fables of the Elite 



saying ; but as I do not desire to be 
seen with a Creature who is irre- 
sponsible, I will leave you." 

Mr. Bear then fell in with a num- 
ber of other animals, but instead of 
shoving the salve and spreading the 
velvet as had been his wont he 
passed them the Truth in large, 
frappe slices. 

He felt it his sacred duty to inform 
Mr. Tiger that Mrs. Tiger was mak- 
ing goo-goo eyes at the New Animal 
in front of the Fur Store. 

When Mr. Fox launched out on a 
six-furlong story of Personal Adven- 
ture, Mr. Bear rudely interrupted him 
to ask him if he didn't know he was 
the champion Bore of the Talkfest, 
and he told Mr. Coon that if he sang 
another verse of Rag Time he would 
5 65 



Fables of the Elite 



have him arrested for a Public Nui- 
sance. 

Strange to say, none of Mr. Bear's 
Friends seemed to enjoy hearing the 
Truth, and when he called the Bull- 
dog down on his sporting record he 
got a punch on the nose that dis- 
lodged his eyeglasses and nearly put 
him out of the Truth business for a 
permanency. 

At last Mr. Bear reached the gro- 
cery store where he did his Money- 
making turn, and after putting a 
"Glucose" sign on the sugar an J 
marking the Whiskey Barrel " Wa- 
tered Stock," and sticking up "Cab- 
bage Leaves " over the cigar stand, 
he sat down to wait for business. 

"Here," he said, "is where I win 
out on Honesty is the best Policy, 
66 



Fables of the Elite 



and all the rest of the Virtue racket. 
Customers will fall over each other 
to come and trade with a Truthful 
Merchant." 

But again he got the hard Turn- 
down. 

"Gee!" cried those who came to 
buy, " if he admits his goods are Im- 
itations, what sort of a fake concern 
can it be? " and with that they hast- 
ened out where they could get a fa- 
miliar Lie for their money. 

Now Mr. Bear had long been woo- 
ing a young Sheepess who was squint- 
eyed, and had a twenty-six inch 
waist, but who had a roll of Govern- 
ment securities big enough to choke 
a Cow. 

Mr. Bear had put it to her that she 
had the Venus de Milo beat to a 
67 



Fables of the Elite 



stand-still on Looks, and the affair was 
just ripe to pull off when he signed 
for Truth and cut the Soft Talk. 

That night Mr. Bear went to see 
her, and when she nestled her pom- 
padour down on his collar and asked 
"'Oo's a booful dirlie?" instead of 
answering "Oo is," as he had here- 
tofore, he shrugged his shoulders and 
replied : 

"I don't know. You may search 
me. The conundrum Passes you up, 
at any rate. You are shy on Looks, 
but I am no Worshipper of Femi- 
nine Pulchritude, so you suit me. 

"Neither have you any figure to 
brag on, but what does your bodily 
figure count when you have such a 
large and beautiful figure in the 
bank?" 

68 



Fables of the Elite 



But instead of admiring him for 
his Frankness and Veracity the 
Sheepess screamed for help and said 
she had been insulted, and her big 
brother came and swatted Mr. Bear 
and threw him out of the house. 

"This ends the matter for me," 
said Mr. Bear, "and to-morrow I 
shall resume my habit of cheerful 
lying, for I opine that the undraped 
Truth is not a fit companion for a 
Modest Masculine Creature to have 
about him, and the Public will not 
stand for it." 

Moral: This fable teaches that it 
does not Pay to be more Virtuous 
than our Neighbors. 



69 



THE LION WHO WAS A 
PRIZE. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Lion who was the Capital Prize in 
the Matrimonial Lottery of the Jun- 
gle in which he Lived. His Pater- 
nal Ancestor had left him a Pile of 
Tin as big as an Apartment Hotel, 
besides which he was a Handsome 
Creature with a fascinating Smile, 
and so Talented he had learned to 
manage an Automobile without 
Maiming any of the People who fled 
to a place of safety at his Approach. 

For many Years Mr. Lion led a 
gay and merry Life, dodging the 
71 



Fables of the Elite 



1 



traps that Managing Mammas set for 
him, but, at last, perceiving that he 
was not so Foxy as he had been, and 
that he was bound to be Bagged by 
Some one, he determined to call a 
Congress of all the Eligible Females 
in the community and hold a Civil 
Service Examination, so that he 
might choose the most Available 
Candidate. 

Accordingly, he Hired a Hall, and 
on the Appointed Day all the Fe- 
males Assembled in their Glad Rags 
and proceeded to go through their 
particular Stunts for his Benefit. 

First came a Beauteous young Ti- 
gress. " I do not desire to be my 
Own Press Agent," she said, "but I 
think it only right to call your atten- 
tion to the fact that I Possess the 
72 




He was the Capital Prize in the Matrimonial 
Lottery." 



73 



Fables of the Elite 



Original Purple Velvet Eyes of 
which Poets Warble, coupled with a 
Peroxide Pompadour that is all my 
Own, and that my Figure has the 
Fashionable new Straight Front Ef- 
fect. Moreover, the Prince of Wales 
inquired who I was, and my Picture 
has been Printed in the Illustrated 
Magazines." 

"As a Peacherina," replied the 
Lion, "you are, indeed, all the 
money, and if I were Twenty Years 
Younger you would make a winning 
with me, but I have Observed that 
a Beauty always expects to keep her 
Husband on his Knees, and as my 
Joints have gotten so Stiff they 
Creak at the Hinges when I attempt 
to Bow at the Shrine of Female Pul- 
chritude, I shall scratch your Entry. 
75 



Fables of the Elite 



Besides, I am not in the Living Pic- 
ture Business. Next!" 

Thereupon a most accomplished 
young Goatess stepped forth. She 
wore Glasses, and a Skirt that Hiked 
up in Front, but as an Example of 
the Higher Female she was the Bos- 
ton Baked Beans. In addition, she 
could perform conversational Feats 
in Five Languages, and had a Tongue 
that was hung in the Middle, and had 
a Perpetual Motion Action at both 
ends. 

"Without doubt," she said, "what 
you Desire is a Companion whose 
Education and Superior Attainments 
fit her to hold Heart-to-Heart talks 
with you about Municipal Reform 
and the Anthropological Tendency 
of the Ape, and other Topics in which 
76 



Fables of the Elite 



Masculine Creatures are Really In- 
terested, and while I do not like 
to Blow my Own Horn, I will remark 
that I Never Weary of discussing 
the Serious Questions of Life." 

" Heaven forbid that you should 
discuss them with me," cried the 
Lion, growing pale. "A monologue 
Artist does well enough in a Variety 
Show, where you can turn off the 
Stream of Talk when you have had 
enough, but as a Home attraction — 
Nit ! Besides, I apprehend that you 
are one of those Female Creatures 
who would always be Right; and 
a Wife without Glaring Faults is 
enough to Drive any Husband to 
Drink." 

Then a Giddy Gazelle, with an Au- 
tomobile Coat and Frou-Frou Skirts, 
77 



Fables of the Elite 



flashed in. She gave the Lion a 
Sextette Wink and the merry ha-ha. 
" I am not touting my own Charms," 
she said, "but you must perceive 
that I am a Headliner Attraction. 
Life with me might be strewn with 
Tacks, but it would never be Dull." 

"Nay, nay, Pauline," quoth the 
Lion; "not for me! Lobster and 
Champagne are Delightfully Tasty 
once in a while, but as a Steady Diet 
they would pall on your Taste and 
interfere with your digestion."* 

Next came a Handsome young 
Cow. " I am neither witty nor wise, " 
she said, " but I am simply Sloshing 
over with all the Domestic Virtues, 
and if you marry me you will never 
have to get up Cold Mornings and 
do Household Chores." 
78 



Fables of the Elite 



"That is True," replied the Lion; 
"but although you come up to my 
Ideal, you do not Fire my Fancy, 
and I shall pass you up." 

Now all this Time a small and In- 
significant little Bearess, who was a 
Widow, and whose Coat showed the 
effects of previous Matrimony, had 
been sitting Looking on at the 
Game, and when she entered for the 
Prize all the other animals Sniggered. 

But the Bearess knew her Busi- 
ness, and instead of Advertising her 
own attractions she turned the Lime 
Light full on Mr. Lion, and let him 
have it right between the Eyes. She 
told him that he was so Handsome 
he made a Matinee Hero look like a 
Small stack of Three cent pieces; 
that in Wisdom and Judgment he 
79 



Fables of the Elite 



1 



had Solomon faded to the likeness of 
a summer shirt, while as a Spieler 
Chauncey Depew wasn't in it with 
him. 

"At last," cried the Lion, as she 
finished her eulogy, " I have found 
a Perfect Female Creature who has 
enough Intelligence to Appreciate 
Me," and he married her on the spot 
and Lived Happily ever after. 

Moral: This fable teaches the 
Value of Experience. 



80 



THE BEARESS WHOSE INDIF- 
FERENCE CHARMED. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Beauteous young Bearess who won 
out in the Matrimonial Raffle, and 
got the Bear of her Choice. 

Now the Bearess was a most intel- 
ligent Creature, who took Serious 
Views of Life, and as soon as the 
ceremony was over, and she had 
Combed the Rice out of her Hair, 
she went aside and thus communed 
with herself. 

" I am Wise to the Fact," she said, 
" that the Marriage Game is a game 
of Chance that makes Rouge et Noir 
6 8i 



Fables of the Elite 



look like a Fixed Thing. I have also 
observed that it is getting to be 
Fashionable to sell Marriage Li- 
censes with Return Coupons at- 
tached, and that Love's Young 
Dream is apt to end in a Welsh 
Rarebit Nightmare, and as I desire 
to escape the Cruel Fate of being a 
Divorcee without Alimony, it is up to 
me to do the best I know to Clinch 
my Husband's Affection. 

" I opine that the way to do this is 
to Feed the Beast, so it is me for the 
soothing steak, and the festive vol au 
vent, and the merry Entree." 

Thereupon the Bearess proceeded 
to make a Burnt Offering of herself 
on the Kitchen Range, but instead 
of giving her a Jolly, the Bear began 
to Jolt her about being Red in the 
82 




§ "She Laid Him Out Cold with Statistics.' 

83 



Fables of the Elite 



Face and not keeping her Paws in a 
Squeezable Condition. 

"Do you not know," he said, 
"that the reason so many Wives 
lose their Husbands* Love is because 
as soon as a Female hooks a Fish she 
throws away the Bait with which she 
caught the sucker ? It may be Allur- 
ing to Kiss a Female on the Chin 
when she has only one Chin, but 
when she acquires Three it is no 
longer a Pastime. It is a Govern- 
ment Contract. Do you get Next to 
my Meaning? " 

"I am on," replied the Bearess, 
" and I apprehend that a wink to the 
Wise is sufficient." 

With that she purchased all the 
Con Beauty Books that tell how to 
acquire rosy cheeks and small feet 
85 



Fables of the Elite 



and a figure like a Fashion Plate. 
She also went to the Complexion Ar- 
tist, and the Massage Fakir, and after 
they had held her up, and robbed 
her of all her Dough, they steamed 
and beat her until she felt like a 
broiled Live Lobster. 

Observing her Strenuous Efforts to 
be Beautiful, though Ugly, the Bear 
began to Hammer Feminine Vanity. 
" How sad it is," he exclaimed, "to 
see an Immortal Creature with no 
Higher Aspiration than mere Looks. 
Do you not know that Beauty is only 
Skin Deep, and that what wins the 
admiration of Noble Masculine Crea- 
tures is Pulchritude of the Mind and 
Soul?" 

"If that is true," reflected Mrs. 
Bear, " it has Gotten Past me. My 
S6 



Fables of the Elite 



observation has taught me that little 
Dolly Dimple had the Call over Min- 
erva Wisdom every Time, and that 
a Kicking Soubrette could Turn an 
Earnest Female Philanthropist's Pic- 
ture to the Wall any day of the Week. 
Still, if Mr. Bear yearns for Intellec- 
tual Companionship in a Wife, I 
shall Cough up enough Facts and 
Useful Information to satisfy him, 
if I have to Pulverize the Encyclo- 
paedia to a Pulp to get them." 

So Mrs. Bear understudied the 
Review of Reviews^ and when Mr. 
Bear came home at night she laid 
him out cold with statistics about the 
Nicaragua Canal, and estimates of 
the Boer War casualties, and Politi- 
cal Forecasts until he perceived that 
he could no longer hold down his 
87 



Fables of the Elite 



job as a Family Oracle unless he 
could choke her off. 

" Alas ! " he cried to her at last, 
" College Education is destroying the 
Sacredness of the Home, and rob- 
bing Females of all the Sweet In- 
nocence Masculine Creatures adore. 
Unhappy Creature, do you not per- 
ceive that if I had wanted a Compen- 
dium of Universal Knowledge I would 
have espoused a book I could shut up 
when I got Tired, instead of a wife 
with a Double Action Tongue ? It is 
the Females Who Know Too Much 
who drive their Husbands to Drink." 

"This," replied Mrs. Bear, "is 
where I throw up my hands and 
quit the Game. I have tried as Hard 
to please you as if you had been An- 
other's Husband, and I have failed in 
88 



Fables of the Elite 



Every Effort to win a Single Round 
of Applause from you. If there is any 
more Joshing in our Family it is up 
to you to do it, for as I cannot please 
you, I am going to Please myself, 
and I do not care a Whoop whether 
you like it or not. No more patient 
Griselda for me, I don't think." 

At first Mr. Bear was very angry 
at this Solar Plexus blow to his Van- 
ity, but by and by, as he saw that 
Mrs. Bear had ceased to Run after 
him, he began Chasing after her, 
and she became Celebrated through- 
out all the Hen Clubs as a Wife who 
had solved the Secret of how to Re- 
tain a Husband's Love. 

Moral: This Fable teaches that 
the woman who makes a Doormat of 
herself will always be Trodden upon. 
89 



THE BEARESS WHO WAS TOO 
GOOD. 

Once upon a time there was a 
handsome and Prosperous Bear who 
had Married in his early Youth. 
His Wife was a most estimable Crea- 
ture, but she did not know her Busi- 
ness. She thought when you Caught 
a Husband you had Got him for 
Keeps, and did not understand that 
Fascinating anything Masculine is 
like Washing your Face. It has to 
be done over Fresh every Morning. 

Because she was Married and a 
Mother, Mrs. Bear ceased to care for 
her Looks. She wore an old Fur 
91 



Fables of the Elite 



Coat that was Motheaten and Mangy, 
and her Conversation was all of the 
Sterilized Milk Brand. Mr. Bear ap- 
proved of this Course, and said a 
Mother's place was with her Babies. 
Personally, though, he did not enjoy 
the odor of Soothing Syrup and Pare- 
goric, so he got Gay, and became a 
Charter Member of the Married 
Flirts. He went out every night, 
and after the Theatre bought Bot- 
tles and Birds for the Chorus, who 
devoured them Greedily and called 
Him a Cinch. 

In Society he cultivated an air of 
languishing sorrow, and when He 
met a young and beautiful Female 
Animal he told Her his Troubles. 

"My Life," he said, "is Blighted 
by an Uncongenial Marriage. My 
92 




"Many Wives Cease to be Kissed Because They are 
No Longer Kissable." 



93 



Fables of the Elite 



Wife does not Understand Me. She 
cares for nothing but Bread and But- 
ter, while I am All Soul. You are 
the First Woman I have Ever Met 
finely Attuned enough to respond 
to my Heart Throbs. Ah, what a 
Dream existence would have been if 
we had only Met in Time ! " 

He had also a beautiful System of 
Platonic Friendship, which made it 
Perfectly Proper for Other People's 
Husbands and Wives to Love Each 
Other if they were Affinities, and it 
was only after Several Married la- 
dies, to whom he explained it, had 
gotten Severely Burned that they 
Suspected they Had been Playing 
with Fire. 

Female Animals the world over 
feel that they have a government 
95 



Fables of the Elite 



Contract to Console Masculine sor- 
rows, and they sympathized greatly 
with the Bear in his Domestic Mis- 
fortunes. A Number of Debutantes 
Made Porous Plaster of themselves 
trying to Bind up the Wounds in 
His Heart, but Nobody Pitied Poor, 
forsaken Mrs. Bear, sitting alone at 
home with the little Cubs. 

At length she could bear her 
Plight no Longer, and she Hied to 
the Owl, who was her Family Law- 
yer. 

"I have been a Good Wife," she 
said. " I have stayed at Home and 
kept House, and taken care of my 
Children, and Prepared Mr. Bear's 
favorite Dishes myself, and he re- 
pays my Devotion by Neglect and 
Desertion; but I will endure No 
96 



Fables of the Elite 



Longer. I will go back to my 
Mother." 

"Divorces," replied the Owl, "are 
generally Messy and Vulgar. Be- 
sides, it is hard to collect alimony. 
Your mistake was in making a Door- 
mat of yourself, instead of a Parlor 
Ornament. Go home and retrieve 
Your Error. If your Husband likes 
pretty clothes, outdress your Rival. 
If he likes Flattery, give it to him in 
Doses that v/ill make that of all Oth- 
er Females seem like Homoeopathic 
Pills. If He enjoys Flirtations, lead 
him a Dance instead of Throwing 
Yourself at His Feet. Many Wives 
Cease to be Kissed because they are 
No Longer Kissable. Farewell." 

Mrs. Bear Dried her Tears and did 
as she was bidden, and in the End 
97 



Fables of the Elite 



Mr. Bear was inveigled into a Flir- 
tation with his own Wife, and Ceased 
to Wander from His Own Fireside, 
and They Lived Happily ever after. 
Moral: This Fable Teaches that 
if a Wife Doesn't want to Get Left 
She must Keep in the Running. 



98 



THE DONKEY WHO LEARNED 
TO KICK. 

A DONKEY once sat down and de- 
plored his Fate with many Tears. 

"Why do you weep?" inquired a 
Parrot, observing his Grief. 

"Alas," replied the Donkey, "I 
Weep because I am not a Figure in 
the World. I have neither Wealth, 
nor Brains, nor does my Pedigree 
entitle me to the Solace of Becoming 
a Colonial Dame. When I go to 
Parties the Society Papers mention 
me among Those Who Were Also 
Present, and at Dinners I am merely 
a filler-in like the jelly between the 
99 
LofC. 



Fables of the Elite 



layers of Cake. Yet I earnestly la- 
bor to win the Respect and Admira- 
tion of my Fellow-Creatures. I make 
myself a perfect Beast of Burden, 
fetching and carrying for my Lady 
Friends. I agree with everybody's 
Prejudices and Politics, and at the 
Club, when any one tells a Joke I 
haw-haw, no matter how many Times 
I have heard it before nor how Tired 
it makes Me. But it is all of no 
Avail. I remain that most unfortu- 
nate of Creatures — an Individual of 
No Consequence." 

"Your Mistake," replied the Par- 
rot without moulting a Feather, 
"is in belonging to the Chorus. 
Nobody notices the Ninety-and- 
Nine Avho sing in Tune. It is 
the One Individual who gets off the 

lOO 




^ 



.-^ 



I- 



••These Oats are Not Properly Frappeed." 



lOI 



Fables of the Elite 



Key who attracts attention. Fare- 
well." 

Thereupon the Donkey, not being 
as great a Fool as he Looked, went 
his Way pondering deeply and Re- 
solving to change his Course. 

That night for some reason the 
Stable Man gave the Animals an 
unusually big Feed, which the Oth- 
ers received Gratefully and ate 
Heartily. But the Donkey sniffed 
at his with Contempt and turned up 
his Nose Disdainfully. 

"I shall leave this Hotel at once," 
he Remarked, " unless they give bet- 
ter Service. These Oats are not 
properly Frappeed. Besides, they are 
of the Vintage of '99, which every 
Connoisseur knows was of inferior 
Quality and lacking in Flavor." 
103 



Fables of the Elite 



At this the other Animals who had 
enjoyed their Supper, looked a trifle 
abashed, but they Murmured among 
Themselves : " We had not observed 
it, but it must be True. The Don- 
key is not such an Ass as we thought 
Him. He is a Bon Vivant, and we 
will Imitate his taste in Food and 
Follow his Example in Eating." 

Shortly thereafter there was a 
Race, in which a Beautiful and 
Highly Bred Young Mare that had 
been raised on the Farm was en- 
tered. The other Animals, who had 
been her Friends and Neighbors, 
took great Interest in her Debut, and 
when she won crowded about her to 
Congratulate her. The Donkey alone 
was Silent. 

" Was it not a beautiful Race ? *' 
104 



Fables of the Elite 



they asked Him, "and did She not 
win Handily? " 

"It was quite creditable," replied 
the Donkey with a Maddening Smile 
of Superior Knowledge, " though not, 
of course, what Racing was in the 
Palmy Days of the Track, nor what 
you may Still see on the best Euro- 
pean Courses, which are Patronized 
by the Nobility and therefore per- 
vaded by a Spirit of Sport for Sport's 
Sake that it is impossible to Main- 
tain in this Commercial Country. 
You should have seen the great 
races of the past. That was racing. 
Alas! there are no Flora Temples 
and Longfellows now! Still, our 
young friend's performance was not 
without merit. She was a trifle ama- 
teurish, and showed too much self- 
105 



Fables of the Elite 



consciousness in the manner in which 
she handled her feet, while the very 
way she won out displays a lack of 
subtlety and finesse, but I can quite 
understand how she appeals to the 
multitude who see only the crude 
outside of things and have no Stand- 
ard of Tradition." 

The Animals listened to this 
with Bated Breath, and when he 
had finished said to One Another: 
"What a profound knowledge of 
Racing he possesses ! What insight ! 
We should have Believed It a Great 
Race if he had not Told us Better," 
and they went away quoting the 
Donkey's opinion, and at the next 
meeting of the Jockey Club Elected 
him President. 

It chanced that soon after This the 
io6 



Fables of the Elite 



Animals were gathered together in 
a Beautiful Meadow, listening to the 
song of a Lark. "Is it not exqui- 
site? " asked the Cow, who was one 
of the Lady Patronesses of the Cho- 
ral Society, but the Donkey merely 
shrugged his shoulders with pitying 
wonder. "It has a good voice," he 
replied, "but a faulty technique. 
Personally I do not care for ballads 
anyway. It is only people with 
Simple and Uncultivated Tastes who 
enjoy mere Harmony in Music." 
Thereupon he left the Lark and 
went and sat in apparent rapture 
near where a Jackdaw was discor- 
dantly screaming on his Perch. 
"Dear me," cried the Other Ani- 
mals, " what a frightful mistake we 
have been making in admiring the 
107 



Fables of the Elite 



Lark. Let us go and worship the 
Jackdaw," and they toddled after 
the Donkey as fast as they could. 
So it was that by objecting to every- 
thing the Donkey's fame as a Critic 
spread throughout the Land, and 
He was no longer a Person. He was 
a Personage. 

Moral: This Fable Teaches the 
Virtue of Kicking. 



1 08 



THE DONKEY WHO ARBI- 
TRATED SOCIETY. 

Once upon a Time a number of 
Animals, who dwelt in a great For- 
est, perceiving that they were get- 
ting it in the Neck from the other 
Animals who had more Dough and 
a stronger Political Pull than they 
had, began to put up a sour-balled 
murmur and to knock Fate. 

" We do not like this way Society 
has of playing Favorites," they said, 
"for we have a Honolulu Hunch 
that all Creatures are born Equal, 
and that we are as good as anybody 
if not Better. Furthermore we ob- 
109 



Fables of the Elite 



jeet to having to wear Ready Made 
Religion, and it rubs our Fur the 
Wrong way to have to Vote the 
Ward Boss's Ticket and wear his 
Collar. So we will cut this out, and 
go where we will be the Only 
Thing." 

With these words the disgruntled 
Animals bolted the Convention, and 
after having provided themselves 
with an inexhaustible supply of 
Grandfathers' Clocks for the benefit 
of Posterity, they piked out across 
the Herring Pond. 

For many years they were kept 
good and busy introducing the bless- 
ings of Dope and Civilization to the 
Simple Savages among whom they 
had gone to Live, but at last, as soon 
as the more fortunate among them 
no 




G ^ 



1 Favor the Age Limit.' 



Ill 



Fables of the Elite 



had acquired enough Pelf to enable 
them to put out their Laundry and 
hire a Man to Make Fires, they be- 
gan to grow dissatisfied with their 
Democratic Surroundings. 

" What is the good of being a Su- 
perior Creature," they cried, "if you 
are not superior to some one else? 
For we allow that the chief Pleasure 
in being on Horseback is to throw 
Dust on the lowly Pedestrian. 

" This Theory of Equality is a good 
enough Campaign Document, and it 
is still useful when you desire to run 
for Congress from a Rube District, 
but the balance of the Time it does 
not go with us. 

" Between the Creature who plays 
Golf for Exercise, and the one who 
Hoes Potatoes for Pay there is a 
8 113 



Fables of the Elite 



Great Gulf Fixed, and it is mere 
buncombe to speak of a female with 
a Tiara as being in the same Class 
with one who wears a Last Season's 
Bonnet. 

" Wherefore we apprehend that it 
is our Sacred Duty to draw the Lines 
between the Sheep and the Goats, 
and establish a Society that will be 
Copper Riveted, and have a Combi- 
nation Lock that it will take a 
Cracksman to break into." 

Thereupon a Number of the Ani- 
mals elected themselves to be Social 
Arbiters, but when they had assem- 
bled together it was found that they 
could not agree upon what Lines to 
organize the Society Trust. Each 
proclaimed himself the only necta- 
rine on the Genealogical Tree and 
114 



Fables of the Elite 



wanted to force his Grip and Pass 
Word on the others. 

"I favor the Age Limit," cried 
one; "my Ancestors came over in 
the Ark, and it is therefore clear that 
I should have the Call over those 
who merely floated in on a Raft." 

" It may be true," replied the oth- 
ers, " that your Family came in the 
Ark, but they are now on the Bum, 
and we opine that a Smart Set full 
of Has Beens is a Dead One." 

"Pedigree," exclaimed another, 
"is the only thing upon which an 
Aristocracy can be based." 

"There is much in what you say," 
returned the others, "but a Family 
Tree that has only three Branches 
does not cast enough Shade to make 
a comfortable Resting Place. Be- 



Fables of the Elite 



sides, the Trouble in most American 
families is that you can not go far 
enough back without falling over the 
Wash Tub, or barking your Shins on 
a Hod. Many of us Possess lovely 
Coats of Arms, but we bought them 
in a Second Hand Shop, and they 
are only ours by right of Purchase." 

" Why should not Intelligence and 
Worth pass you through the Gate? " 
asked another, swelling out his chest, 
but at this all the other Animals 
gave him the merry ha-ha, and be- 
gan stringing him for a Rube. 

"What would any one do with 
such Impediments in Society? " they 
cried. " Besides, they do not do 
Things that way abroad." 

Finally, seeing they were about to 
make a Rough House, a Donkey 
ii6 



Fables of the Elite 



whom no one had suspected of pos- 
sessing- such Sagacity arose and thus 
addressed the meeting : 

"It seems to me," he said, "that 
all the other claims for Considera- 
tion are mere Pipe Dreams and Hot 
Air, and that all that you need to 
qualify you for Society is the Price 
of Admission. It is a Show down of 
Dollars, and the real Social Arbi- 
ters are Bradstreet and Dun. As 
long as you have the long Green you 
are It, and when you have lost your 
Wad you have to go away back and 
sit down. See?" 

"We perceive," replied the other 
Animals, " that you have the Proper 
Idea of an American Aristocracy, for 
whereas, if we were short on Blood, 
or Brains, or Antiquity, we could 
117 



Fables of the Elite 



never hope to get next, Providence 
may at any time enable us to Loot a 
Railroad, or do our Fellow-Creatures 
so that we may become Shining 
Lights in Society." 

Moral: This Fable teaches that 
the Book that helps us most is our 
Bank Book. 



ii8 



THE HEN WHO UNDERSTOOD 
THE GAME. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Hen whose Home Nest contained 
Six Daughters, upon observing which 
her Friends Pitied her greatly. 

" It is hard enough to Marry off 
one Daughter," they said to each 
other, "in these strenuous Times, 
when the Matrimonial Market is 
Long on Marriageable Pullets and 
short on Eligible Roosters, and al- 
though Old Mrs. Hen is an Early 
Bird who is apt to catch the first 
Worm that stirs, we predict that she 
will not be able to Corner the whole 
119 



Fables of the Elite 



Visible Supply of Husbands, and 
that when the Bell Taps her Daugh- 
ters will still be Perching on the 
Family Roost." 

To add to the difficulties of the 
Situation, Mrs. Hen's Daughters 
were quite Ordinary Creatures, with 
no Beauty nor Attractions to Boom 
them, and not enough Dough to be 
worth while when the Divisor was 
so Large and the Dividend so Small. 
Their Plumage looked as if it had 
been Bought at a 39 cent marked- 
down Bargain Sale ; their Cackle was 
the kind of Pink Tea Patter that 
makes the Listener want to Throw 
a Fit, and they walked Pigeon- 
toed. 

But Mrs. Hen was a Foxy Mamma, 
who had cut her Wisdom Teeth on 
120 




"She Handed Out a Cold Welcome." 



121 



Fables of the Elite 



the Ways of the World many Sum- 
mer resort seasons ago and was wise 
to the situation, so she thus com- 
muned with herself. 

" I have not," she remarked to her 
Pillow in the silence of the Night, 
" rustled around in Society all these 
years without Scratching up a Few 
Nuggets of Wisdom, and one of 
these is that a masculine Creature 
never wants the Thing he can Get. 
I have observed that when a Female 
throws herself at the Head of a Male 
he always Dodges, and she Misses 
the Mark. Likewise I have Noticed 
that when a Female runs after a 
Male she is apt to get left, because 
Females are not built for the Chase, 
and the Male can outrun her, but if 
she turns and Flees he Pursues and 
123 



Fables of the Elite 



Overtakes her, and she has to Marry 
him to get rid of him. 

" It is also True that the Conver- 
sation of the Female who desires to 
Talk to a Male makes him very- 
Tired, but if she scorns his Society 
and goes off by herself to Meditate 
he will Break his Neck to find out if 
she is Thinking about him. I think 
I know my Business, and, at any 
rate, I intend to Play this Tip all 
across the Board." 

Unlike many foolish Mothers, Mrs. 
Hen did not give her graft away. 
She did not Smirk and Smile and 
give the Glad Hand to every Rooster 
that came Strutting around her Door. 
On the contrary, whenever anything 
Masculine approached she gathered 
her Chicks under her Wings and 
124 



Fables of the Elite 



handed out a Welcome so Cold you 
could cut the Icicles off its Beard. 

At this her Friends remonstrated 
with her. " How can you Expect to 
marry off your Daughters if you 
Shoo Away all the Eligible Roost- 
ers? " they asked. 

" That is Precisely what I Wish to 
do," replied the Hen, Looking Pi- 
ously up to Heaven. " I cannot Bear 
to Part with one of my Treasures, 
nor am I willing to Trust my Dar- 
lings' happiness to any Male Crea- 
tures." 

At hearing this, the Roosters, who 
had not Previously noticed Mrs. 
Hen's Daughters, began to Cast 
Sheep's Eyes in that direction and 
to remark at the Club: "The Hen 
Pullets must be a Good Thing, since 
125 



Fables of the Elite 



their Mother desires to Keep them. 
We will watch until the old Drag- 
on's back is turned and invade the 
Coop," and thus Mrs. Hen's Daugh- 
ters became Belles because the Roost- 
ers thought it was a Privilege and 
not a Duty to Call upon them. 

At Balls, when Mrs. Hen lined up 
with the other Chaperons along the 
Wall, she did not Look as if she had 
won the Prize in a Policy Shop every 
Time one of her Pullets was asked 
to take a Stroll in the Conservatory. 
Instead, as soon as she observed one 
of her daughters sitting out a Dance 
under the Palms with a Male she 
called for a Break Away and yanked 
the Pullet back into the Ball Room 
under the full Glare of the Electric 
Light. 

126 



Fables of the Elite 



Now, the Pullets were not Built 
for Moonlight Effects, and ordi- 
narily no Rooster would have Cared 
to stroll with them, but because 
it was a Forbidden Pleasure all 
the masculine Creatures in the 
Community were hot - foot after 
them. 

So successful were these tactics 
that by the end of the season the 
whole Hen Bunch was engaged, but 
their mother, who knew that noth- 
ing helps on a Wedding like a little 
Judicious Opposition, sternly refused 
her blessing. 

"Never," she cried, "will I part 
with my Jewels ! " 

" Fly with me," then cried the Im- 
passioned Lovers, and the Pullets 
flew. Thus was a Mother's Devo- 
127 



Fables of the Elite 



tion rewarded, and the Expense of a 
Swell Wedding saved. 

Moral: This Fable teaches that it 
is dead easy to Work a Man, if you 
know How. 



128 



THE BEARESS WHO WANTED 
A CAREER. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Bear who wooed and won a charm- 
ing young Bearess for his Bride. 
After the Wedding Cards were out 
one of those Officious Friends who 
always feel it their Duty to Slug us 
with Truths we are trying to Dodge, 
took him aside, and said : 

" Before you take the Irrevocable 
Step I have a Revelation to make 
concerning the Young Creature you 
are about to Marry. My Conscience 
will no longer Permit me to conceal 
the fact that she is an Elocutionist. 
9 129 



Fables of the Elite 



I myself have heard her Recite 
* Curfew shall not Ring to-night* 
and ' Little Ma-a-a-bel with her 
Fa-a-ace Against the Window 
Pa-a-a-a-ne ' with all the Tremolo 
stops on." 

The Bear was greatly distressed 
at hearing this, but he was Deeply 
in Love, so he Braced up, and re- 
plied : " I will not deny that what 
you have told me is a Knock Out 
blow, and if I had Known it in Time 
I would have looked Further. Still, 
my Own Life has not been such as 
to entitle me to Cast Paving Blocks 
at Another. I have my Own Youth- 
ful Follies to repent of, and I shall 
not hold her Past against her." 

So they were Married, and for 
Some Years lived in Great Happi- 
130 







"Resumed Her Profession of Being a Talented 
Amateur." 



Fables of the Elite 



ness. As a provider Mr. Bear was 
a Cracker Jack, and Mrs. Bear be- 
longed to all the Hen Clubs, and did 
stunts in Society, and when they got 
up Amateur Theatricals she was the 
Main Guy of the Show. She also 
put up a Good Feed when she enter- 
tained the Push, and tapped real 
Wine, and they spieled to her about 
being a Maude Adams until it swelled 
her Head so she had to put on her 
Easter Bonnet with a Shoe Horn. 

By and by Mrs. Bear grew discon- 
tented with the Domestic Sphere and 
began to Cast Sheep's eyes at a Ca- 
reer, so she went to Mr. Bear and 
thus addressed him : 

"I perceive," she said, "that I 
have made a mistake in Marrying. 
I am not fitted for a Retired Life, 
^33 



Fables of the Elite 



^ 



and my Soul soars far above the 
Petty Details of seeing about a house, 
and providing Food and Clothing for 
my family. I want to hear the Plau- 
dits of the World instead of a Col- 
icky Baby crying for Mother. I 
long to tread the Boards, and get 
the Glad Hand from an Enthusiastic 
Audience instead of being annoyed 
by Sticky little Fingers, that smell 
of Bread and Butter, pulling at my 
Skirts. It is True I have a good 
Home, but what is Home to a Crea- 
ture with aspirations? I do not 
blame you. You have done the Best 
you Knew to make me Happy, but 
you do not understand me. We are 
made of Different Clay." 

Now, Mr. Bear was wise to the 
Game of Life, and he knew it is a 
134 



Fables of the Elite 



Waste of Hot Air to hand out Advice 
to a Female. The only Thing that 
ever convinces her of a Fact is to 
run against it so hard it Loosens her 
Back Teeth, so he replied: 

" I see that you are Right. I have 
noticed for some time that I could 
not Side Step with you any longer, 
and that the Double Harness in 
which we are Trotting was getting 
Strained at the Buckles. I have 
been too Busy chasing the elusive 
Simoleon to devote myself to Thrills, 
and the only thing that really Raises 
a Genuine Heart Throb in me is the 
price of Northern Pacific. I realize, 
alas, that I am no longer in your 
class. I would not be one, two, 
three as Romeo climbing up a papier 
mache Balcony, covered with Paper 
135 



Fables of the Elite 



Roses. Neither can I see myself 
doing Julius Csesar in a Suit of Jae- 
ger Underwear, and a Table Cloth 
with a Red Border, but I will not 
stand in the way of your Aspirations. 
Go where Glory waits you, and when 
the Time Comes when you feel that 
Three Square Meals a day are better 
than a Newspaper Roast, come back 
Home." 

So Mrs. Bear packed her Grip, and 
hied away, and joined the Hamfat 
Shakespearian Dramatic Company, 
and they went Gaily forth to elevate 
the Stage by producing the Legiti- 
mate in one night Stands in Jay 
Towns, where she put on her little 
Nightie and did Lady Macbeth. 
Unfortunately, however, the audi- 
ence was composed of Rude, Rough 
136 



Fables of the Elite 



People who did not know Histrionic 
Genius when they saw it, and the 
papers said next day it was the Bum- 
mest Show that ever hit the village. 
Also the Box Office Returns were a 
Frost, and the Local Manager gave 
it as his Opinion that the Bard of 
Avon was a Dead One, anyway. 

"This," remarked Mrs. Bear to 
herself, when the Company went to 
Pieces in Oshkosh, " this is not what 
I Signed For. I thought I had a 
Cinch on Fame, and that it would be 
Dead Easy, but it appears to have 
too much Boarding House Hash, and 
too many Cross Ties in it to suit my 
Taste. Neither is a Career worth 
the Price they Ask for it, so I will 
Telegraph my Baby for the Where- 
withal, and return Home, and Re- 
137 



Fables of the Elite 



sume the Profession of being a Tal- 
ented Amateur. 

Moral : This Fable Teaches that a 
Full Stomach is Better than an 
Empty Career, and that a Woman 
who has a Good Thing in a Husband 
should Freeze to It. 



138 



THE GOAT WHO WAS A 
SHINING LIGHT. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Goatess who was left a Widow, with 
one little Kid to Raise. She was a 
noble Creature, with a high appreci- 
ation of a Mother's Sacred Respon- 
sibility, and so Conscientious she 
would not bring him up on the Bot- 
tle for fear he might acquire a Taste 
for Liquor. 

"I am Determined," she said, "to 
Devote my Life to Rearing my son 
so that he will be a Shining Light, 
and a Model for the Youth of the 
Community." 

139 



Fables of the Elite 



Every Morning she curled his 
Hair in nice, long Ringlets, and 
dressed him tip in beautiful Fauntle- 
roy Clothes, and he was not allowed 
to go out and Play in the Dirt for 
fear he would Muss the pretty Blue 
Ribbon around his Neck. The other 
little Kids hated him, because he was 
the Example of the Neighborhood, 
and often Assailed him with Rude 
words and Hard Pebbles, but he was 
not permitted to Fight back, but was 
taught to run and tell Mother. 

In this way the Kid passed a most 
Exemplary youth. When he was 
Only Seven years old he signed a 
Pledge to Renounce Tobacco and 
Abstain from Intoxicating Drink, 
and at all the Sunday-School Round- 
ups he Spouted Pieces about the De- 
140 




"Those who are Wise to the Game Respect the 

Limit." 



141 



Fables of the Elite 



mon Rum, and Handed out Warn- 
ings and Advice to Old Soaks. 

By and by the Kid grew up, and it 
became necessary for him to leave 
the Home Fold, and go out and Rus- 
tle for a Living. At this the Goat- 
ess, who would Fain have kept him 
tied to her Apron String, wept bit- 
terly, but finally she gave him a 
Mother's Hair Cut and her Blessing, 
and sent him out into the Wicked 
World. 

"I Feel," she said, at parting, 
" that you are Fully Prepared to meet 
the Trials and Temptations of Life, 
because your Pure Young Soul has 
never been Sullied by any Knowl- 
edge of them. 

"You are not like those wicked 
young Kids who have been permit- 
143 



Fables of the Elite 



ted to associate with Goats and learn 
their Sinful Ways." 

It chanced that the very first Dash 
out of the Box, and as soon as he 
Broke over the Pasture Bars, the 
Kid came across an innocent-look- 
ing Goat who was amusing a Crowd 
at a Picnic by letting them Guess 
which Particular Shell a Pea was 
under. 

" It is against my Principles to 
Gamble," remarked the Kid to him- 
self ; " nor should I ever Lower my 
Standard of what is Right by engag- 
ing in Games of Chance, but this is 
merely a matter of Scientific Obser- 
vation, and I feel it to be my Duty to 
Despoil the Philistine of some of 
his Ill-gotten Gains," and it was only 
after he had Sloughed off half the 
144 



Fables of the Elite 



Wad his mother had sewed tip in his 
undershirt, that the Kid began to 
suspect that there are points about 
Raising Peas that a Farmer does not 
understand. 

The Kid had also been fully De- 
termined that when he went to the 
City he would keep up his Virtuous 
Habit of Going to Bed at Eight 
o'clock, and that he would Make 
himself Felt in the Young People's 
Meeting on Wednesday Evenings, 
but he got in with a Glad Crowd 
who said it is never Late until Morn- 
ing, and then it is Early, and he Pro- 
ceeded to go the Pace with them, 
although he was not Gaited for it. 

Now, those who are Wise to the 
Game respect the Limit, but the Kid, 
being a Tenderfoot, went the whole 
lo 145 



Fables of the Elite 



Hog. When he attended the Races 
he did not pick out a Sure Thing on 
the Dope Card, but he Played the 
Menu from start to finish. He was 
not used to Looking Upon the Rosy, 
and so he Tanked up as if there was 
no Next Morning with its Dark- 
Brown Remorse. The only Females 
he had ever known were meek, weak- 
eyed Creatures, who sang the " Lips 
that Touch Wine can Never Touch 
Mine," so when a Beauteous young 
Goat nestled her Pompadour down 
on his Fur Coat Collar and made 
Googoo eyes at him, he got a Hectic 
Flush, and believed all she Told him, 
and it Broke his Heart when she 
passed him up for a Fresh Sucker 
with a Bigger Roll. 

At last the Kid came down to the 
146 



Fables of the Elite 



OfHce one morning with his Wagon 
loaded down with Prunes, and the 
Bear, who was his employer, took 
him aside, and thus addressed 
him: 

" My young friend," he said, "you 
were Touted to me as a Simple Coun- 
try Creature who was Superior to the 
Dissipation and Weaknesses of City 
youth. It appears that this is a mis- 
take, and that you have not only col- 
lared the whole Bunch of Vices, but 
added Frills of your own. I perceive 
your Training has not fitted you for 
this Strenuous Life, and I advise you 
to go back Home, where the only 
Liquid Refreshment is the Purling 
Brook, and the only Excitement is 
Watching the Grass Grow, and where 
your Mother will apply Wet Towels 
147 



Fables of the Elite 



1 



to your Aching Brow, and be Sorry 
for you." 

"You are Right," replied the Kid, 
who was no Mutton-head. " I should 
have Resigned my Place anyway, be- 
cause I do not care to Assist you any 
longer in the Petty Larceny in which 
you are engaged. I shall also take 
your Advice and go back Home, but 
I shall Recast and Rewrite the Prod- 
igal Son act Before I appear in it, 
and I opine I shall make a Hit. I 
shall Hire a Hall, and rake in the 
Shekels describing the " Wickedness 
and Sin of a Great City as I have 
Seen It," until I make the Geezer's 
mouths water. In a Truly Good Com- 
munity a Spieler who is a Reformed 
Drunkard, or a Converted Gambler, 
is always Ace tligh." 
148 



Fables of the Elite 



So the Prodigal returned home 
where he grew Mutton Chop whis- 
kers, and acquired Fame and For- 
tune as a Lecturer who Dealt Boldly 
with the Dark Side of Life. 

Moral : This Fable Teaches that a 
Boy should be Acclimated before he 
is Sent Out to a Warm Place. 



149 



THE ELEPHANTESS WHO 
TRIED TO BE CUTE. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
beauteous little Kitten, who cut much 
ice in the Social Menagerie, and, al- 
though the other Female Animals 
called her a Cat behind her back, she 
had all the Masculine Creatures in 
a Trance, and they Played her up for 
the Favorite. 

So far as her Mug was concerned, 
she was All Right, All Right, but 
where she Skinned the Dope Card, 
and romped in with the Coin, was in 
Possessing Winning Ways. 

She had a Purr that would chime 



Fables of the Elite 



1 



in melodiously in any Key, and a 
Trick of Nestling up to a Masculine 
Creature, and giving him the Gaze 
in a way that made him feel about 
Seven Feet high, and so Chesty his 
Shirt Studs would not hold. 

She also had a Strangle Hold on 
Artless Ignorance, and when she 
played that on a Masculine Creature, 
he simply lay down on the mat and let 
her walk off with the Gate Receipts. 

The Kitten was a trifle shy on 
Book Learning, nor was she one, 
two, three when it came to doing 
Language Stunts, but what she did 
not know about Getting There would 
not have made a Primer for a Kin- 
dergarten. 

" I opine," she was wont to say to 
herself, " that Feminine Helplessness 
152 




When She Tried to Nestle up to the Bear, He Told 
Her to Hold Off." 



153 



Fables of the Elite 



is about the easiest graft there is 
going, and that those Feminine Crea- 
tures who abandon it for Strenuous 
Independence do not know a Soft 
Snap when they see one." 

So she always stood about and let 
somebody else perspire over all the 
Tough Jobs, while she admired their 
Strength and Skill, and she looked so 
Incapable of Taking care of herself 
that even when she sat in a Tandem 
Hammock some Masculine Creature 
felt he had to Hold her in. 

Now, it chanced that there dwelt 
in the same Forest a young Ele- 
phantess, who perceived that the 
Kitten was copping the cash, and 
had all the other Female Animals so 
Faded they looked like a Shirt Waist 
fresh from a Chinese Laundry. 
155 



Fables of the Elite 



Being a thoughtful Creature, how- 
ever, the Elephantess did not knock 
her rival's game, but began to study 
the Kitten's system, to see if there 
was not a soft spot where she could 
butt into the money. 

" I may not be the vSeventh Daugh- 
ter of a Seventh Daughter, nor an 
Oriental Soothsayer and Fortune 
Teller," she reflected, "but I am 
next to the fact that it is the Kit- 
ten's cunning ways that have Hyp- 
notized the Masculine Bunch, and it 
is up to me to get into the Push and 
understudy her. 

" Personally, I am not fond of the 
End Man's Jokes, nor do I care for 
Soubrette Parts, but henceforth it's 
me for the Wicked Wink, and the 
Lingerie Kick, and the Rolling Orb." 
156 



Fables of the Elite 



With that the Elephantess retired 
to her Apartment, where she studied 
an Edna May smile before her mir- 
ror, and learned to assume artless 
poses sitting on the floor, and culti- 
vated a helpless way of looking at an 
Occupied Seat on the Street Cars, and 
when she had her Vaudeville turn 
business all down pat, she sallied 
forth to try it on Society. 

Unfortunately, the result was not 
the glowing success she had Antici- 
pated. Her Number Two Company 
was as good as the Original Cast, but 
it did not draw. 

When she tried to nestle up to Mr. 
Bear he rudely told her to Hold Off 
until he could go out and get his 
Accident Policy increased, and when 
she playfully sat down in the Ham- 
157 



Fables of the Elite 



mock by Mr. Lion's side, the Guy- 
Ropes parted and they got a Nasty 
Jar. 

Neither did the Baby Stare work 
on the Elevated Trains. The Sel- 
fish Masculine Creatures gave one 
Look up at the bulk of Rainy Day 
Skirt before them, and remarking 
she was as able to Stand up as they 
were, went on Reading the after- 
noon papers. 

"This thing gets past me," re- 
marked the Elephantess to the Owl. 
" I give a Conscientious Imitation of 
the Kitten's star act, and yet, instead 
of getting the Glad Hand like she 
does, they give me the merry Ha-ha 
and the passe Hen ]?ruit." 

"The trouble with you," replied 
the Owl, "is that you have gotten 
158 



Fables of the Elite 



out of your class, and that you have 
not learned that the Things one may 
do without making a fool of them- 
selves depends on their Avoidupois. 

" Tricks that are cunning in a Kit- 
ten are idiotic when done by a Per- 
forming Elephant. 

" Likewise, all Female Creatures 
who are thinking of qualifying for 
the Cute Role should ask them- 
selves whether they are built that 
way or not. 

"No Female Creature should at- 
tack a Hammock if she is going to 
make it Sag down as if it had a 
Wagon Load of Brick in it, nor 
should she Cuddle Down on Georgie's 
Knee in the Twilight unless she 
knows that he is Trained up to sup- 
porting her Heft. 

159 



Fables of the Elite 



" For a Female Creature who is 
constructed on Large Architectural 
Lines there is no play like Simple 
Dignity, and when she abandons this 
to try to do Monkey Tricks she 
throws away her Trumps and Queers 
her Game." 

Moral: This Fable Teaches the 
folly of big Women trying to be 
Cute. 



1 60 



THE BEAR WHO WAS HAPPY 
THOUGH MARRIED. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Bear who was of a Gay and Festive 
Disposition. He liked to paint 
things a deep, dark Red, and what 
he had done to the Correct Precepts 
of the Higher Life was a Plenty. 
He also preferred opening bottles 
for Chorus Girls to attending the 
meetings of the Y. M. C. A., and al- 
though he always went to Sleep in 
Church, he could sit up in a Friendly 
Game until the Cows came Home, 
without batting an Eye. 

By and by the Bear fell in love 
II i6i 



Fables of the Elite 



with a beautiful young Creature, and 
asked her to be his Bride, to which, 
as he was the Matrimonial It of the 
Town, she joyfully consented, and 
his farewell Bachelor Dinner fur- 
nished Text for the Preachers for 
Many Moons. Just before the Wed- 
ding, however, an old Bear, with the 
Weary, suburban Look of a Com- 
muter, and with his Fur moth-eaten 
in Patches, approached the Bride- 
groom and thus addressed him : 

"You once saved my Life in 
Northern Pacific, and I desire to 
testify my Gratitude by giving you 
a Piece of unsought Advice. Matri- 
mony is full of Trouble, and you are 
about to get Next. You think that 
it will be a continuous Song and 
Dance performance, but you will find 
162 




TTTYT- 



^ 



^1 



A^' 



He Collared so Many High Balls a Good Samaritan 
HAD TO See Him Home." 



163 



Fables of the Elite 



it is a Reformatory institution, in 
which your Wife will consider it her 
Sacred Duty to Police your Actions, 
and buy your neckties. When you 
come Home in the Early Morning 
Hours Little Birdie will not meet 
you with a Loving Kiss, and a Glad, 
Sweet Smile. A Reproachful Crea- 
ture, surrounded by a Halo of Curl 
Papers, will be waiting up for you, 
and the Remarks she will make 
about your Habits will make your 
Hair Curl. I was once as Gay, 
and Light-hearted as you, but now 
I am nothing but an Awful Ex- 
ample." 

"Say no more," cried the Young 

Bear; "I am a wise Guy, and I 

should not think of butting into the 

Matrimonial Race if I had not Per- 

165 



Fables of the Elite 



fected a System by which I can Win 
Out. I have observed that in every 
Game the One who holds the Edge 
generally Rakes in the Pot. I shall 
begin by Establishing such a High 
Standard of Virtue for my Wife it 
will take all she Knows to live up to 
my Ideal of Feminine Conduct, and 
she will not have Leisure in which 
to Observe what I am Doing. By 
the Time she gets through Apolo- 
gizing for her own Shortcomings she 
will not have enough Nerve Left to 
mention mine." 

So the Wedding was celebrated 
with great Ceremony, and as soon as 
the Happy Couple had gotten their 
bridal presents unpacked, Mr. Bear 
began Knocking everything his Wife 
did. 

1 66 



Fables of the Elite 



Now Mrs. Bear was one of those 
Superior Creatures who are veneered 
with Culture, and she belonged to a 
Hen Club where they drank Weak 
Tea and read each other Essays out 
of the Encyclopedia for Fun. 

"Alas," cried Mr. Bear, when he 
learned this, "it is no wonder that 
there is so much Domestic Misery and 
Divorce when our Wives forsake the 
Sacred Hearthstone to Plunge into 
the Vortex of Public Life. It is the 
Hen Clubs that Menace the Happi- 
ness and Purity of the Home and 
endanger Family Life." 

Having delivered himself of this 
remark, Mr. Bear put on his hat and 
went down to his Own club, where 
he Dropped Two Hundred Plunks 
on a Bob-Tailed Flush, and Collared 
167 



Fables of the Elite 



so many High Balls that a Good Sa- 
maritan had to see him Home, but 
Mrs. Bear was so Busy trying to 
Make Good on her own Club Record 
that she never Piped a single Re- 
proach when she Opened the Door 
for him at 3 a.m. 

Mr. Bear also weeded a Wide Row 
in Society, and was addicted to little 
Suppers and Gay Companions, which 
he averred broke the Monotony of 
Domestic Life, but his theories of 
what a Wife should be were a Peach. 
When Mrs. Bear danced twice with 
the same Individual, or drank Soda 
Water with her Grandfather he read 
the Riot act to her when she got 
Home. 

" I am Shocked and Surprised," he 
would say, " to Observe that you en- 
168 



Fables of the Elite 



courage the Attentions of Sap-headed 
Kids and old Rounders. It is not 
the Kind of Conduct I expected in 
My Wife, nor does it come up to the 
Ideal of Feminine Perfection that I 
Cherish." 

Whereupon Mrs. Bear, who was 
Perfectly Innocent, was filled with 
Remorse, and Apologized so much 
for the Things she had not done, 
she had no Opportunity to Observe 
whether Mr. Bear himself was Side- 
stepping or Not. 

Likewise when Mrs. Bear bought 
a new Frock, or the Housekeeping 
Bills came in, Mr. Bear Registered 
such a Kick about Female Extrava- 
gance and Mismanagement, and Lack 
of Judgment, it rattled Mrs. Bear so 
she forgot to Remark on the Price of 
169 



Fables of the Elite 



Cigars or the Money he parted with 
on Sure Tips on the Races. Thus it 
was that Mr. Bear and his wife lived 
together in great harmony, and Mr. 
Bear daily congratulated himself 
upon having discovered the Secret 
of how to be Happy though Married, 
which consists in being First in the 
Fight when there is going to be a 
Domestic Mix-up. 

Moral : This Fable teaches the Su- 
periority of the Masculine Intellect, 
and why Men Set such a High Stand- 
ard of Conduct for Women. 



170 



THE LION WHO KNEW IT 
ALL. 

Once upon a Time there was an 
Old Lion who had been the King 
Pin in the Forest in which he Lived. 
He was a Shining Light in the Pa- 
triotic Sons of American Nobility, 
because he belonged to a Family 
who knew who their Grandfather 
was, and had managed to Hold On 
to their Dough for Two Gener- 
ations. He had also been to Col- 
lege, and as he had had enough 
Sense to Sit Still and let Real 
Estate Soar he was looked upon 
as a Great Financier, and his Advice 
171 



Fables of the Elite 



was eagerly Sought by Widows and 
Orphans. 

All of these Virtues made the 
Lion a Headliner in the Matrimonial 
Show, and wherever he went Moth- 
ers with Eligible Daughters show- 
ered Attentions and Hospitality upon 
him, but the Lion had been brought 
up to Think Well of himself, and no 
trap, however cunningly baited with 
Little Dinners or Tandem Rockers, 
ever succeeded in Catching him. 

"Nay, nay, Pauline," he quoth to 
himself, "not this Time. I am 
Aware that I would be an Attraction 
in any Domestic Menagerie, but I 
do not propose to do the Tame Bear 
Act yet a while. Single Life is good 
enough for me. I have no Desire to 
exchange my Latch Key for a Cur- 
172 




At Last I am Loved for Myself Alone." 



173 



Fables of the Elite 



tain Lecture. Neither am I afflicted 
with that form of Paresis which leads 
a Masculine Creature to assume a 
Female's Bills for Life, nor do I 
yearn to Emigrate to Brooklyn and 
join the Brigade of Perambulator 
Pushers. Moreover, I am too Fly 
to be Taken in by any Old Cam- 
paigner, and when I marry it will 
be because I am Loved for myself 
Alone." 

Now in his Youth the Lion was 
really a most Attractive Creature, 
and many a beauteous young Female 
fell in Love with him, and would 
gladly have Lock Stepped with him 
to the Altar; but he was so Afraid 
that he would be Married for his 
Money he Passed them all up, and 
after a while he grew Old and was 
175 



Fables of the Elite 



spoken of as a Confirmed Bachelor. 
His Barber daily exhausted the Ton- 
sorial Art in trying to make three 
hairs cover a Bald Spot the size of 
a Dinner Plate; he was forced to 
Purchase a set of Tailor-Made Teeth, 
and he began to complain that the 
Club Cooking was not what it Used 
to Be. 

It chanced that about this Time a 
Lovely and Graceful young Tigress 
strolled into that Neck of the Woods, 
and, perceiving that the Lion ,was 
weighted down with Rocks, she went 
to her Mother, and thus addressed 
her: 

"There is no Need," she said, 

" for Pursuing the Still Hunt for a 

Husband any further, for I have a 

hunch coming to me that the Lion 

176 



Fables of the Elite 



is the Good Thing we have been 
Seeking these Many Moons. I opine 
that being an Old Man's Darling is 
a Lead Pipe Cinch. Besides, Black 
is becoming to my Peroxide style of 
Beauty, and as a Rich Young Widow 
I shall occupy the Centre of the 
Stage and monopolize all the Lime 
Light in this Section." 

"That is True," responded her 
Mother, "and All will be Well if 
you can work the Riffle, but the 
Lion has been up Against the Game 
many times Before, and knows all 
the Under Cuts and Fancy Deals." 

" There is nothing so easy as the 
Wise Guy who thinks he Knows it 
All," returned the Tigress. " I have 
also observed that a Masculine Crea- 
ture is only Suspicious of a Female's 

12 177 



Fables of the Elite 



Affection for him when he is Young. 
After he is Middle Aged he wears 
the Combination to his Heart and 
Pocket Book on his Shirt Front and 
even a Debutante can Work It." 

Having thus Remarked, the Ti- 
gress, who was a Demure little Crea- 
ture, with Large, Innocent Eyes, 
went forth into the Forest where 
quite by Accident she met the Lion 
and handed him a Baby Stare. 

"By Jove," cried the Lion, "what 
a Beauteous and Unsophisticated lit- 
tle Creature, and how delightful to 
meet one whose Pure, Young Soul 
has not been Tainted with the Sor- 
did Self-seeking that Spoils City 
Females." 

So the Lion began Visiting the 
Tigress, who wore Simple, White 
178 



Fables of the Elite 



frocks buttoned down the Back, and 
who Rolled her Child-like Eyes at 
him, and asked him if it was Really 
Truly-True there were Females who 
Married for Money? She also Called 
him "Johnny," and told him he was 
a naughty boy to know so much 
about this Wicked World, and strung 
him along like he was seven years 
old, and when he Turned up at the 
Club one night with a Dyed Mous- 
tache and the Remark that a Male 
Creature is only as Old as he feels, 
it didn't take a Prophet to see his 
Finish. 

"At last," he cried, as he pre- 
sented the Tigress with a Tomato 
can full of diamonds and a Deed to 
a House and Lot on Fifth Avenue, 
" at last I have found One who Loves 
179 



Fables of the Elite 



me for Myself Alone." Thereupon 
he Married the Young Tigress, and 
Quarrelled for Life with his Rela- 
tives, who Told him he was a Doting 
old Fool. 

Moral : This Fable Teaches that in 
Matters of the Heart the Old Veteran 
can get Points from the Raw Re- 
cruit. 



i8o 



THE BEAR WHO TRAVELLED 
ON HIS NERVE. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Young Bear who was the Main So- 
ciety Guy in the Metropolis in which 
he lived. He was of quite humble 
Origin, but he had a great Head and 
plenty of Gall, and he Broke into the 
most Exclusive Circles, where he led 
the Cake Walk and did Monkey 
Stunts for his Dinner. 

Now the Bear was one of those 
Creatures who Travel on their Nerve 
and who never Make Good. He had 
an Open Countenance that his fellow- 
Creatures at first Mistook for an Open 
i8i 



Fables of the Elite 



Hand, but it was not long before 
they found out that the Bear's Soci- 
ety was an Expensive Luxury that 
an Animal who was merely a Beast 
of Burden, on a Working Salary, 
could not Afford. 

When the Bear went out with the 
Boys he always let some one else 
Buy the Drinks. On the Street Cars 
he never had anything less than a 
Fifty Dollar Bill that the Conductor 
could not Change, so the other fellow 
had to Dig Down in his Jeans' and 
Haul up the Chicken Feed. When 
the crowd went to the Theatre he 
Shied away from the Box Office as 
far as he could get, and although he 
always said "This is my Turn," he 
was so Long Finding the price of 
Admission that the Generous Don- 
182 




Was One of Those Creatures Who Travel on Their 

Nerve." 



183 



i 



Fables of the Elite 



key in Front had already Put Up for 
the Gang. It also Happened that 
when he Sat down to a Friendly 
Game he invariably Found that he 
had Left his Wad in his Other 
Clothes, whereupon he would Bunco 
some Easy Mark out of a Temporary 
Accommodation with which to Pur- 
chase a Stack of the Red, White, and 
Blue, and as he never Paid Back he 
always stood to Win in every Game. 
The Bear was a great Favorite in 
Female Society, notwithstanding the 
Fact that there, too, he was the 
Champion Welter- Weight Dead Beat 
of the Community. He was most 
punctilious in Paying Party Calls, 
and he was Never Known to Refuse 
an Invitation to Eat or to hold down 
a Chair in any old Stager's Opera 
185 



Fables of the Elite 



Box, where he Looked down with 
Scorn upon the Common Skates who 
could only afford to Set up Tickets 
in the Parquet to their Best Girl, 
with a Dairy Lunch Feed after the 
Play. 

The Bear was also spoken of as 
a Model by old Ladies because he 
was seen on Sunday Mornings Lug- 
ging some female's Prayer Book to 
Church. Likewise he was Esteemed 
a Patron of the Fine Arts because he 
accompanied his Lady Friends to 
Picture Exhibits, although he never 
bought even a Chromo. Any old 
Show went with him provided it was 
Free, but he was afflicted with Oph- 
thalmia at the Sight of an Ice Cream 
Joint; nor was any Female ever 
Clever enough to Steer him up 
i86 



Fables of the Elite 



against a Hashery, and a Bird and 
a Bottle. 

Among the Female Creatures 
whom the Bear had Long been in 
the Habit of Visiting was a Tigress, 
who, although still Beautiful, had 
arrived at the years of Discretion, 
and whose Debut Party was becom- 
ing Ancient History. Now, the 
Tigress was One, Two, Three in 
Worldly Lore, and she perceived 
that the Bear was a Gilt-Edged 
Matrimonial Security, and she De- 
termined to Corner the Market on it. 

" It does not Get Past me," she re- 
flected, "that the Bear is Strictly on 
the Hog, but I opine that a Mascu- 
line Creature who is Wise enough 
to Sow his Wild Oats at somebody 
Else's Expense will assuredly live 
187 



/ 

Fables of the Elite 



to be Good and Great and the Presi- 
dent of the Steel Trust, and is a 
Thing worth Tying to," and so 
whenever the Bear came she put on 
her Glad Rags and gave him the 
merry eye and the joyous Ha-ha. 

For Several Seasons this happy 
Arrangement continued, and the 
Bear nibbled about the Tigress' Bait, 
but whenever she attempted to Land 
her Fish, she found that she had not 
got him on the Line; and at last, 
one day, he darted off, and the next 
Morning she read in the Society 
Column of the Daily Papers that he 
had been Caught by a Female Angler 
whose Hook was baited with Boodle. 

At this the Tigress shed a few 
Tears, but she Presently dried her 
Eyes and remarked: "This Graft 
i88 



Fables of the Elite 



does not go with me, and I will not 
stand for this Sort of Treatment a 
minute. He has not Burnt out my 
Coal and Run up my Gas Bills all 
these Years for nothing, to say Noth- 
ing of the Injury done my Trustful 
Nature and my Broken Heart. I 
Apprehend that no other Plaster is 
as good for a Wounded Soul as one 
composed of the Long Green, and 
that by the Time he gets through 
Paying for my Blighted affections, 
at so much per Blight, he will regret 
that he did not Put up or Shut up." 

Thereupon the Tigress brought a 
Breach of Promise Suit against the 
Bear for Fifty Thousand dollars, 
and her Lawyer, who was On to his 
Job, worked in a Packed Jury of 
those whom the Bear had Touched 
189 



Fables of the Elite 



for Various Sums, and the way they 
Socked the Damages to him was a 
Plenty. 

Moral: This Fable teaches that 
one of the Sacred Pleasures in Life 
is getting even with the Human 
Hog. 



190 



THE DONKEY WHO ADMIRED 
HIS OWN PERSPICACITY. 

There was once a Donkey, who 
by a Lucky Fluke made a Killing 
on October Wheat Futures. This 
caused him to greatly Admire his 
own Perspicacity, and ever after- 
ward he went about Bragging of his 
Long Head, and that Solomon was 
his Middle Name. 

He also acquired the Habit of 
thinking that all his Poor Acquaint- 
ances were Panhandling him for 
Advice and Moral Reflections, and 
when he gave his Opinion it was 
with an Air that seemed to say: "I 
191 



Fables of the Elite 



Know my Views are worth Money, 
but I have so Many of them I do 
not Mind giving away a Few." 

The only Time the Donkey had 
ever been in Politics was when he 
was selected as an Alternative to the 
Primaries in his Native Village. 
The Sight of a Sheet flapping in the 
Wind on the Clothes Line on Wash- 
ing Day made him Sea Sick, and he 
could not tell a Drum Major's Uni- 
form from General Miles', but never- 
theless he felt fully Competent to 
Run the Army and Navy. 

At the Club he told how he could 
have Saved the Government from 
making some Mortifying Mistakes, 
if he had been cououlted in Time, 
and as long as he Bought the Drinks 
his remarks were Listened to with 
192 




"'I DID NOT Marry to Become the Victim of Feminine 

Wiles.'" 



13 



193 



1 



Fables of the Elite 



Attention by the Old Sponges who 
camped on the Chairs in the Front 
Windows. 

The Gentle Sex, however, was the 
Donkey's Long Suit in Universal 
Knowledge, and whenever one of 
his Friends went up against the 
Matrimonial Proposition Good and 
Hard and got a Hot Tamale instead 
of a Peach for a Wife he would give 
him the Laugh. 

"Those who do not understand 
the Trick," he would say, "should 
be content to sit on the Benches 
with the Bleachers and watch the 
Professionals Twirl the Ball. I 
opine that I am on to all the Fem- 
inine Curves, and that no Feminine 
Creature will be able to Work any 
Shell Game on me. To one who 
195 



Fables of the Elite 



thoroughly understands the Subject, 
it is merely Child's play to Size up 
a Feminine Creature, and Cast the 
Horoscope of what she will do, and 
you cannot Lose your Uncle on a 
Little Thing like That. 

" Personally, though, I do not 
Care to Take the Trouble to Work 
out any Feminine Prize Puzzles, and 
when I marry I shall Pick out a 
Simple and Guileless Little Creature 
whose Artless Nature is an Open 
Book to me, and I shall Forni her 
Character according to my Ideal of 
the True and the Beautiful." 

Not long after this the Donkey 
attended a Smart Social Function, 
where he met a Bearess who was 
a Pipe Dream Fairy. She was a 
Beauteous Young Creature, whose 
196 



Fables of the Elite 



Lovely Auburn Locks were Arranged 
in the Latest Cold Slaw Effect, and 
when she Handed the Donkey a 
Sozodont Smile that displayed her 
Pearly Molars he realized that she 
had Landed a Solar Plexus Blow 
that had put him Permanently out 
of Business as a Bachelor. 

Moreover, the Bearess was Pos- 
sessed of Many other Attractions. 
She did not Play the Piano, nor 
Talk Golf, nor indulge in Athletic 
Exercises, because she said her 
Mamma did not approve of Young 
Females being Strong-Minded and 
Masculine. 

"Here," reflected the Donkey as 

he heard this, " is where I make my 

Winning on my Exclusive Inside 

Information about the Female Sex. 

197 



Fables of the Elite 



You can never Fool me on a good 
Thing." So he gave her the Grand 
Matrimonial Rush, and in the end 
she Accompanied him to the Altar. 

As soon as they were safely Mar- 
ried and did not have to Keep up 
Fancy Stepping and Peacocking be- 
fore each other an}' More the Donkey 
made a Terrible Discovery. 

He Found Out that the Rosy 
Blush of Youthful Innocence he had 
admired so much on the Bearess* 
cheek was Hand Made, and that at 
night she took off the Locks that 
had ensnared his Affections, and 
hung her Pompadour on a Chair, 
and that her Milk White Teeth were 
only hers by Right of Purchase. 

At this the Donkey was greatly 
Shocked, and he Put up a Most 
198 



Fables of the Elite 



Dolorous Moan to the Bearess. 
"You have deceived me Cruelly," 
he cried. " I did not Marry to be- 
come the Victim of Feminine Wiles, 
and I will not Stand it. I will hie 
away to the Divorce Court and Tell 
my Troubles to the Public." 

" You Passed me through the Gate 
on my Face," replied the Bearess, 
" and there is no reason for you to 
Join the Kicking Chorus of Sore- 
heads. A Female Creature is as 
Beautiful as she Looks, and how she 
Does it is her own Trade Secret she 
is not Bound to Reveal to Anybody. 
Besides, have you been Quite Honest 
and True with me? Are there no 
Little Secrets and Closed Doors in 
Your Life where you Make up for 
the Part you have to Play? 
199 



Fables of the Elite 



" Are you the Paragon of Wisdom 
and Wit you have Tried to Lead me 
to Believe? It always Makes me 
Weary when I hear Masculine Crea- 
tures begin to Knock a Feminine 
Creature for Deceitfulness and False 
Appearances, for when it Comes to 
giving Life-like Illusions of Virtues 
that are not there you have gotten 
our Job beat to a Pulp." 

"Say no more," replied the Don- 
key, "for I perceive there is Much 
Justice in your Remarks. Further- 
more, it is a Wise Guy who Keeps 
Mum when he buys a Gold Brick." 

Moral: This fable teaches that 
there is nobody so apt to be taken in 
as the man who thinks he knows it 
all. 

200 



THE BEARS WHO SOLVED 
THE DIVORCE PROBLEM. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Bear who fell in Love with a young 
Bearess, and wooed and won her for 
his Bride. Now the Bearess was a 
most Estimable Creature, but she 
was a trifle short on Pulchritude, 
and one of her Lamps, instead of 
being a Goo-goo Eye, was a Crock- 
ery Optic. 

Neither had Nature framed the 
Bear up with Features adapted to 
Chromo-lithographic representation , 
for he possessed a Figure that looked 
like a Beer Barrel on Skids, and a 

20I 



Fables of the Elite 



Roman Nose that Roamed all over 
his Countenance. 

In the Halcyon days of Courtship 
when they were hurling large, warm 
slices of Taffy at each other, neither 
one noticed these defects in the other 
Party, or took the Trouble to ascer- 
tain if the Thing they were going to 
get came up to the Specifications of 
their Ideal. 

Mr. Bear wrote Sonnets to the 
Bearess* one Good Eye, and the 
Bearess opined that a large Nose 
was a sign of Brains and gave an 
appearance of Intellectuality that 
reminded one of Napoleon and 
Julius Csesar and the other His- 
torical Guys. 

So the Twain were made one, and 
they settled down to live in a Two 
202 




'It was a Scrapping Match.' 
203 



Fables of the Elite 



by Four Flat where there was not 
Room enough to dodge anybody's 
Prejudices, and where they were 
continually treading on each other's 
Corns, and it was not long before 
they discovered that instead of 
Matrimony being a Grand, sweet 
Song, it was a Scrapping Match. 

In reality both Mr. and Mrs. Bear 
were fond of each other, and neither 
did anything to call for Police Inter- 
ference. Mr. Bear was a Charter 
Member of the Y. M. C. A. and he 
came home to Roost with the Chick- 
ens, and never Made a Rough House 
or Beat his poor Wife, but his Nose 
got on her Nerves until she felt, 
every time she looked at him, that 
she would rather be married to a 
Brute with a Classical Profile than 
205 



Fables of the Elite 



a Pin -feathered Saint, with such a 
Proboscis. 

On her part Mrs. Bear was a model 
of all the Virtues, but Mr. Bear got 
so he could see nothing but her Glass 
Eye, and he spent his Time in won- 
dering what made him such a Fool 
as to Pick out a Piece of Damaged 
Goods. 

At last, when they could endure 
each other's defects no longer, they 
went to the Owl, who ran a Divorce 
Mill, and wanted to call their Matri- 
monial Trade Off. 

"It is my Observation," remarked 
the Owl, " that Creatures seldom find 
out that they cannot Trot in Double 
Harness until they get their Eye on 
a new Running Mate, and I desire 
to know who is the Dark Horse each 
206 



Fables of the Elite 



of you is Grooming for the second 
Term? If the Divorce Court sets 
you free will you make a Break for 
the Marriage License Joint? " 

" Not on your life," they cried with 
one Voice, "for we have Tried 
Matrimony, and we know when we 
have Gotten Enough.** 

"Very well, then," replied the 
Owl, " instead of granting you abso- 
lute Freedom, I shall give you a 
Ticket of Leave, with the right to 
reconsider the subject, for I appre- 
hend that Divorces are no longer 
recherch6 and that it is easier to live 
with a Female than it is to pay her 
Alimony. Furthermore, I opine that 
the only Trouble with you is that you 
have had a Steady Diet of each other's 
Society until it has cloyed on your 
207 



Fables of the Elite 



Palate, and soured on your Stomach, 
and that all you need is a Change. 

" Most domestic Infelicity is merely 
a case of Too Much Johnson, and if 
Creatures were only married Three 
Days a Week, instead of Seven, the 
Divorce Court would have to shut 
up Shop and go out of Business. 
Therefore I order Mr. Bear to start 
East on a Six Months' Trip, and 
Mrs. Bear to go West on a Tour of 
equal Length, and at the End of that 
Time to meet again at this office;'* 

Being sensible Creatures Mr. and 
Mrs. Bear did as they were desired, 
but when the Time Limit had ex- 
pired instead of clamoring for a De- 
cree they rushed into each other's 
arms, and began handing out Soft 
Talk. 

208 




"'Beauteous Creature ! ' 
14 209 



Fables of the Elite 



" How wonderful is Mental Sci- 
ence," cried Mrs. Bear, "for I have 
given you Absent Treatment, and I 
see that your Figure is Sylph-like, 
while your Profile would make Kyrle 
Bellew's look like the Eagle on a 
Battered Nickel." 

"Beauteous Creature," exclaimed 
Mr. Bear, "I perceive that Two 
Eyes exactly alike are so Monotonous 
that I wonder any Masculine Crea- 
ture can endure to Look at them." 

" It is well," replied the Owl, " and 
in future whenever you begin to 
notice each other's Defects reflect 
that Railroad Tickets are Cheaper 
than Lawyers' Fees. Also remem- 
ber that Domestic Happiness is like 
a Razor. If you want to keep a 
Wire Edge on it, you have to lay it 

211 



Fables of the Elite 



up, and give it a Rest every now 
and then." 

Moral : This Fable teaches that all 
Matrimony and no Vacation makes 
Jack a Divorced Boy. 



1 



212 



THE BEAR WHO FOUND 
NOTHING IN ECONOMY. 

Once upon a Time there were a 
Bear and his Wife, who lived an 
Honest, Industrious, and Frugal Ex- 
istence, and in consequence of this 
cut No Ice in the community in 
which they dwelt. 

Mr. Bear toiled from Early until 
Late doing stunts in a Brokerage 
Office, while Mrs. Bear performed 
upon the Cooking Stove, and Patched 
Mr. Bear's Trousers, and when she 
went abroad, instead of being clad 
in Glad Rags she wore a Last Year's 
Bird's Nest on her Head and a Fur 
213 



Fables of the Elite 



Coat that was Mildewed and Moth 
Eaten. 

According to the way the Bears 
had framed things up this Exem- 
plary Conduct should have Copped 
the coin, and won them the Applause 
of their fellow-creatures, but so far 
from working out this way they 
found that they Got it in the Neck 
on every side. 

Society gave them a Frost because 
they had not gone in Debt for a 
Giddy Shell, and although they were 
never known to Chisel any one out 
of a Penny they were required to 
Pay Cash in Advance whenever they 
bought anything at the Grocery 
Store. 

" For," argued the sagacious shop- 
keeper, "it is plain that no one 
214 



,. .^^te 



.•-'» 




>HE Wore a Last Year's Bird's Nest on Her Head 
AND A Fur Coat that was Mildewed and Moth- 
Eaten." 



215 



n 



Fables of the Elite 



would live so Humbly as they do 
if they had not Exhausted their 
Credit." 

Now it chanced that Mr. Bear, 
who was, in reality, a Foxy Gazaboo, 
had a scheme that was a Lead Pipe 
Cinch, but to play his system prop- 
erly across the Board required more 
of the Long Green than he Possessed, 
so he went to some bulls who 
were simply lined with Government 
Bonds, and offered to let them in on 
the Ground Floor if they would put 
up the Wherewithal. 

"Nay, nay, Pauline," they re- 
plied, giving him the hard turn 
down, "it is True that your Tip 
sounds like it would Win Walking, 
and we would String along with you 
in it if we were not too Wise to be 
217 



Fables of the Elite 



Touted by such a Rail- Bird-looking 
creature as you." 

At these words the Bear was much 
discouraged, and returning home to 
his wife, he put up a most dolorous 
moan, but being a Wise Female she 
first cooked him a Good Dinner, and 
then she thus Addressed him : 

"It is clear," she said, "that the 
Game is Up with us, and that we 
can see our Finish among the Pines. 
I do not belong to the Chorus of 
Soreheads, nor am I putting up any 
Kick against Fate, but all of these 
Years of Hand-me-down Raiment, 
and Cottage Pudding, and Root Beer 
have gotten on my Nerves, and as 
we still have a small Wad left, I 
propose, before we Pike over the Hills 
to the Poor House, that we Blow in 
218 



Fables of the Elite 



the Balance of our Dough on a Hot 
Old Time." 

To this the Bear agreed, and so 
they Cut the Modest Cottage on a 
Quiet Street in which they had lived 
so long, and took Apartments at a 
Swell Hotel where it cost Money to 
even Look at the Elevator Boy. 
Likewise they bought them all the 
clothes that were Fit to Wear, with 
Carbons a- Plenty, and they ate 
Broiled Lobster and Drank Fizz for 
breakfast, and Whooped Things up 
from Dusk to Dawn. 

No sooner had their Acquaintances 
observed the Bears' Apparent Rise 
in Prosperity than they began to 
gather about them, and give them 
the Glad Hand. 

" What a Napoleon of Finance Mr. 
219 



Fables of the Elite 



Bear must be," they cried, "to Leap 
from Penury to Fortune in a single 
Bound. We will Jolly him along 
and perhaps he will put us next to a 
Good Thing." 

"Ha," said the Bulls to one an- 
other, " We apprehend that there is 
something in the Bear's Tip, after 
all, as he has evidently Won out on 
it, and we -will see if we cannot bite 
off a slice of it ourselves," so they 
sent for the Bear, who soaked it to 
them Right and Proper and made 
them pay for what they Got, and this 
caused the other Animals to admire 
him so much that they elected him 
the President of a Trust. 

"I perceive," said the Bear that 
night to his Wife, " that it was our 
Virtues that queered us with the 
220 



Fables of the Elite 



Push, and that it is only Millionaires 
who can afford to go Shabby and 
Live Simply, for when you Econo- 
mize your Fellow-Creatures think 
it is because you have not Energy 
enough to get into Debt." 

"There is much in what you say," 
replied Mrs. Bear as she twined a 
Tiara in her Pompadour, "but I 
suspect that if you want to be Rich 
and Prosperous you must Look the 
Part. Flour and Water are Sauce 
Hollandaise when they are in a 
China Dish, but in a Bucket on the 
Sidewalk they are merely Bill- 
sticker's Paste." 

Moral: This Fable teaches that 
we are all Ready to Root for the 
Successful. 



221 



THE BEARESS WHO HAD 
MONEY. 

Once upon a Time there was an 
old Bear who, after a Virtuous and 
Well-spent life in Wall Street, fell 
ill, and perceiving that the end was 
drawing Nigh, he sent for his only 
Child, and thus addressed her: 

"My Daughter," he said, "I feel 
that the time has come when my last 
Deal is about to be closed out, and 
that I must pass in my Checks ; and 
while I have not invested as heavily 
in Celestial Securities as I could 
wish, I opine that the few Colleges 
and Libraries I have scattered around 
223 



Fables of the Elite dl|| 

will Square my Account, and that I 
shall be O. K. 

" You will find that I have left you 
a swellerino Pile of Loot, for I have 
Sheared my Share of the Lambs that 
came my Way, and lined my Nest 
well with the Feathers of the Geese 
who strayed down the Street. Un- 
fortunately every Blessing in the 
World has a String Tied to it, and 
Your Roll will make you a Shining 
Mark. All the Fortune Grafters 
will be after you hot foot, and unless 
you are Foxy you will be led to the 
Altar by some Gazaboo who is after 
your Dough, instead of your Heart. 

"Take a Dying Father's Tip, and 

get a Strangle Hold upon your 

Pocket Book whenever a Masculine 

Creature begins handing you out 

224 




"A Young Lion Came upon the Scene." 



225 



Fables of the Elite 



Syncopated Con Talk. Also refrain 
from becoming one of those Simple 
American Shepherdesses who pur- 
chase Gold Brick Titles, and then 
complain to the International Police 
because they did not get the worth 
of their Money. Heaven bless you. 
Farewell." 

Having delivered himself of this 
Paternal Counsel the old Bear folded 
his Paws and turned his Walkers up 
to the Daisies, and became the Star 
Performer in a Swell Funeral. 

It was not long until the little 
Bearess perceived that her Father 
had not run up the Storm Signals in 
vain. All the impecunious Mascu- 
line Creatures of her Acquaintance, 
apprehending that it would be much 
less Fatiguing to Marry for a Living 
227 



Fables of the Elite 



than to Work for it, began hurling 
Protestations of Undying Affection 
at her, and offering to share the 
Rich Woman's Burden; but the Lit- 
tle Bearess was a Crafty Proposition, 
and after she had put each one of 
her Suitors through the Third De- 
gree to ascertain his Real Sentiments, 
she turned him down Good and Hard. 
At last, however, a Young Lion, 
who was the Main Pretty Boy of the 
Forest, with Lovely Chrysanthemum 
Hair and a Matinee Idol Smile, Came 
upon the scene, and began giving 
her a Steady Rush, and such were 
his Attractions that he gave the little 
Bearess Heart Failure every time 
she turned her Optics upon him. 
Only too Gladly would she have 
Signed a Life Contract with him, 
228 



Fables of the Elite 



but the Fortune-Hunting Business 
had gotten on her Nerves, and made 
her leery of the whole Marriage 
Game. So in this dilemma she went 
to the Owl and sought his advice. 

"I do not deny," she said, "that 
the Lion has swiped my Youthful 
Affections, and put my Heart on the 
Bum, and that without him my Life 
will be Damaged Goods, but I fear 
to Marry him lest he should have 
Mercenary Motives. Shall I Marry 
him, and run the Risk of his Affec- 
tion being Gold Filled, instead of 
Eighteen Karat, or shall I have 
Spinster engraved upon my Tomb- 
stone?" 

" Marry him," quoth the Owl, with 
great sagacity ; " anyway you frame 
it up, you are bound to be married 
229 



Fables of the Elite 



for something. If he married you 
for your Beauty, in Time that would 
Fade. If he married ,you JDecause 
you had a Fashion Plate Figure, no 
Earthly Prophet can foretell whether 
you will develop into a Living Skele- 
ton or the understudy of a Feather 
Bed. 

" If he married you because you 
were Entertaining, he would infalli- 
bly grow weary of hearing you Spiel, 
and would string you when you told 
the same story over Twice. If he 
married you because you were a good 
Cook, he would become so Dyspep- 
tic that he would knock his Own 
Mother's Pies. If he even married 
you because you were Amiable, the 
chances are that a Mush and Milk 
diet would pall upon his palate and 
230 



Fables of the Elite 



he would chase off after something 
with more Ginger and Tabasco Sauce 
in it. 

"But if he marries you for your 
Money, as long as you swing on to 
your Dough you have got the Situa- 
tion Cinched, and you Possess an 
Attraction of which he will never 
Weary or get Enough." 

Thereupon the Little Bearess mar- 
ried the Lion, and as she kept every- 
thing in her Own Name and worked 
the Cash Register herself, the Lion 
treated her with great Consideration, 
and they lived in much Harmony 
and Peace. 

Moral: This Fable teaches the 
Hand that holds the Pocketbook 
Rules the Roost. 



231 



THE BEAR WHOSE NAME 
WAS WILLIE WISDOM. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Bear whose name was Willie Wis- 
dom, and who was the main Right 
Guy of the neighborhood in which 
he lived. 

He was built on large, Architectu- 
ral Lines, with an Aldermanic front, 
and his Countenance was adorned by 
an expansive Standard Oil Smile. 

Moreover, he was a Charter Mem- 
ber of the Handshakers' Union, and 
always wore slick black Broadcloth, 
with a String Tie and a Silk Dicer 
that were as good as an affidavit of 
233 



Fables of the Elite 



Unimpeachable Virtue any day in 
the week. 

As a Prosperity Pilgrim the Bear 
looked the limit, but where he got 
in his best work was as the Press 
Agent of the Correct Life. 

He was a Word Slinger who had 
the Dictionary Pulverized to a Pulp, 
and at every Talkfest he was strictly 
IT. He always Touted for the 
Higher Thought, and his Opinions 
were quoted as the Kind of Blue 
China that we ought to Live Up to. 

No matter how you took the Bear, 
his Sentiments were always Standard 
Goods. As a Patriot he went about 
with a Hectic Flush and a 105 Tem- 
perature. 

His Views of the Domestic Rela- 
tions were such Top notchers you 
234 



I 




^M'x^ff 



** * I See, * Replied the Bear, with the Sweet and For- 
giving Smile of a Superior Creature." 



235 



^ 



Fables of the Elite 



had to get up on a Step Ladder to 
Reach them, while his Sympathy for 
the Poor and Oppressed caused those 
who merely shelled out the Dough 
to relieve Want to Look like mere 
Pikers. 

All of this caused the Bear to be 
greatly Respected, and in Particular 
he was revered as the Whole Thing 
by the Feminine Community, who 
invited him to address Hen Clubs, 
and Opined that if all Masculine 
Creatures had Mr. Bear's Exalted 
Ideals Matrimony would be one Glad, 
Sweet Dream instead of the Rocky 
Proposition that they had tackled. 

At last a Wily Goat who grew 

Tired of occupying a seat Away 

Back while Mr. Bear cracked all the 

Watermelons, took him aside and 

237 



Fables of the Elite 



thus addressed him: "I perceive," 
said the Goat, " that you have some 
sort of a System that enables you to 
Swipe the Crown of Virtue and en- 
joy all the Perquisites of the Good, 
while you do not Chisel yourself out 
of any of the Fun of the Wicked, 
and I desire to be made "Wise to the 
Game. 

" I have heard you Spiel for your 
Native Land until you induced every 
one within hearing of your Voice to 
enlist, but I noticed that you stayed 
at Home and worked an Army Con- 
tract for all it was Worth while they 
were at the Front Fighting, yet you 
are always the one who leads the 
Procession in the Patriotic March. 

" I also admit that your Theory 
about the Sanctity of the Home is a 
238 



Fables of the Elite 



Peacherina, and if practised would 
put the Divorce Court out of Busi- 
ness, and that your Views on the 
Temperance Question make Mrs. 
Nation look like Thirty Cents ; but I 
have not observed that you ever fail 
to butt into your share of Convivial 
Hilarity, or that you are averse to 
Opening Wine for Chorus Girls and 
doing a little Hornpiping on the 
Quiet. 

" Likewise as a philanthropist you 
have all the Rest of us Sewed up in 
a Sack, but I opine that your Graft 
is in Touching other Creatures and 
that nobody ever Touches you. 
Likewise I apprehend that there are 
no Pockets in your Clothes, and the 
only thing you ever give Away is 
Good Advice." 

239 



Fables of the Elite 



"I see," replied the Bear, with 
the sweet and forgiving Smile of a 
Superior Creature, " that you belong 
to the disgruntled, but you have no 
Right to knock my game, for I hold 
that it is enough for any one Creature 
to be a Preacher, and that he is not 
required to Personally Illustrate his 
Theories. 

" Besides, although I am not giving 
the Snap away, I do not mind putting 
you next to the Fact that as Long as 
you Express the Proper Sentiments 
you may do as you Please. 

"Words make a great deal of 
Noise and attract much attention, 
while we generally pass over a good 
deed without noticing it. Nobody 
hears the Nickel you drop in a Poor 
Blind Woman's Hand, but you can 
240 



Fables of the Elite 



Shout your Sympathy for her 
through a Megaphone. 

"If you will observe closely you 
will see that our most noted Philan- 
thropists always Pass around the 
Hat instead of dropping the Long 
Green into it ; that our best Writers 
on How to Make Home Happy are 
all Divorced, and that our most 
Famous Statesmen run to Tongue 
instead of Brains. 

"I did not make the world, and 
therefore I am not Responsible for 
Talkee-talk having the call over 
Merit, but if I am Praised for Virtues 
I do not Possess it is because my 
fellow-Creatures have been so busy 
listening to what I said they have 
not had leisure to observe what I 
did." 

i6 241 



Fables of the Elite 



Moral : This fable teaches that if 
we take care of our Conversation, 
we may let our Conduct take care of 
Itself. 



242 



I 



THE LION WHO TACKLED 
PUBLIC OFFICE. 

Once upon a Time there was a 
Lion who had the good fortune to 
be Tall Timber in the Family Tree 
Push, and who was diked out by 
Fate with a name that was a His- 
torical Headliner. 

His Ancestors had done Stunts in 
the early Colonial Days that had 
gotten them Reading Notices in 
the Papers, and because of his 
Lucky Break the Lion was in great 
Demand on Anniversary Occasions, 
and was always one of the set 
Pieces at the annual Gabfests of 
243 



Fables of the Elite 



the D. A. R.s and the Colonial 
Dames. 

Nature had also framed the Lion 
upon Imposing Architectural Lines, 
with a Noble Brow, and a Chesty- 
Front, and a Megaphone Voice, and 
he put up such a Good Bluff that few 
ever discovered that his Upper Story 
lacked Furniture and that his Roar 
was all Sound and no Sense. 

In reality, for all his Looks, the 

Lion was simply a Mush Poultice. 

In his youth he had espoused a 

beauteous little Bearess who was no 

bigger than a Clipped Dime, but 

who was all Ginger, and possessed a 

Tabasco Sauce Temper and a Tongue 

with a Rough Edge to it, and the 

things he let her do to him were a 

Plenty. 

244 



I 



& 




Mature had also Framed the Lion upon Imposing 
Architectural Lines." 



245 



Fables of the Elite 



The Honeymoon had not begun to 
Wane before he discovered that he 
was not in his wife's class as a scrap- 
per, but instead of standing up to 
her and Winning the Championship 
of the Home, whenever she put on 
the Gloves for a Domestic Round he 
threw up his Hands and let her get 
away with the Gate Receipts and the 
Last Word, while he trembled for 
his Life. 

In Business he was a walkover for 
anybody who wanted to do him, and 
it was so easy to unload Gold Bricks 
on him that the Sport lacked Snap 
and Interest. 

Along with his Cinch of a Name 

the Lion had gotten much Pelf from 

Papa, but he did not know enough 

to Clip Coupons without cutting him- 

247 



Fables of the Elite 



self with his own Scissors, and it was 
not long before he had chiselled him- 
self out of his pile and began to see the 
Slag Dump looming up before him. 

Now the Lion was a most Agree- 
able and Amiable Creature, besides 
which he was valuable as a Club 
Ornament, and when the other Ani- 
mals saw that he was going about in 
a Trance of Impecuniosity they were 
filled with Sympathy, and called a 
Committee meeting to devise some 
way to help him. 

After a number of measures had 
been suggested and Turned Down 
as N. G., and it began to look like 
the Meeting was going to be nothing 
but Hot Air resolutions, the Owl arose 
and thus addressed the assemblage : 

"My fellow-Creatures," he said, 
248 



Fables of the Elite 



" it seems to me that it is up to us to 
dig down into our Jeans and fish up 
the Coin for our Afflicted Friend, or 
else to Use our Influence to get him 
a Good, Fat Government Office. 

" It is true that he has so little 
backbone that he lets his wife put 
her Collar around his Neck, so that 
everybody can read the Price Tag, 
and see that he went Cheap, and I 
opine that he will be easy Meat for 
every Political Sharp who comes 
down the Pike. 

" It is also true that he had so little 
Grip he let his own Dough get away 
from him, and that he did not have 
enough Sense to manage his own 
Affairs, but I apprehend that the 
Public is a Cow that has to be milked 
for the Benefit of those who have not 
249 



Fables of the Elite 



Gumption enough to do anything 
more strenuous than the Dairy 
Maid act. Furthermore, even if he 
is not on to his Job, and mismanages 
his office, it will be far less expensive 
to pay our Part of the Taxes than it 
would be to Support him outright." 

" These are indeed words of Wis- 
dom," replied the other Animals, 
" for in this manner we shall be en- 
abled to Provide for our Friend 
without going down into our Own 
Pockets." So thereupon they 
launched the Lion's Political Boom, 
and rooted for him until he was 
elected to an Office he was Perfectly 
Incompetent to fill. 

Moral: This Fable teaches that 
Public Office is frequently a Private 
Asylum. 

250 



THE BEARS WHO BUTTED IN 
ON A STRANGE GAME. 

Once upon a Time two aged Bears 
met in the Poor House, and began 
to spiel to each other about their 
Troubles. 

" I do not wish to pry into your 
Private Affairs," remarked one of 
the Bears to the other, "but you 
seem a most Intelligent Creature, 
and I should like to know what hard 
luck Combination put you on the 
Bum." 

"Alas," replied the other Bear, 
" you see before you the Victim of a 
Swelled Head and a Chesty Front. 
251 



Fables of the Elite 



I was a Country Bear, and by dint of 
Industry, and Economy, and Doing 
my Neighbors before they got a 
chance to Do me, I succeeded in 
amassing a comfortable Fortune. 

" I do not wish to Unduly exploit 
my own Virtues, but I will say that 
while there were Hayseed in my 
Whiskers, there was no Moss in my 
Conk, and a slicker Horse Trade 
Artist never came down the Pike, or 
Worked off a Spavined Mare on a 
City Jay for a High Stepping Coach 
Horse. 

"Unfortunately, at last I became 
dissatisfied with the Petty Larceny 
in which I was engaged, and I began 
to Yearn to take part in the Whole- 
sale Robbery of Wall Street. 'It is 
a Shame, a burning Shame, ' I said, 
252 




"And Tackled the Street Single-Handed." 



17 



253 



1 



Fables of the Elite 



pitching bouquets at myself, ' for 
one of my Financial Sagacity and 
Penetrating Judgment to Waste his 
Talents Chiselling a Rube out of 
Two Bits when he might just as well 
be Holding up a Millionaire and 
swipiug his Roll, so henceforth it's 
me for the Opportunities of a Great 
City/ 

" With that I cut the Country and 
hied to the Metropolis, and Tackled 
the Street single-handed, and they 
didn't do a Thing to me. Before I 
knew what had happened they had 
sheared me to the Skin, and it was 
up to me to take the Icy Plunge in 
the River or else seek this Hobo 
Retreat.'* 

"Yours is, indeed, a sad, sad, 
story," replied the Bear who had 
255 



Fables of the Elite 



first spoken, "but not all the Gold 
Bricks are Manufactured in Town, 
and I opine that when it comes to 
Divorcing a Creature from his Coin 
there is no other Agency equal to a 
Farm for doing the Trick with neat- 
ness and Despatch, while you Wait. 

" I was Born and Raised in the 
City, where for many Years I fol- 
lowed the Simple and Innocent 
Occupation of a Money Lender and 
Note Shaver. Unhappily one day, 
in an Evil Hour, I subscribed for an 
Agricultural Journal which told of 
the Profits to be made in raising 
Early Vegetables. 

" It also contained a Progressive 

Mathematical Novel, by an Incubator 

Romancer, that showed that if you 

bought a Hen who Laid 365 eggs the 

256 




"It Costs More to Support a Truck Patch than it 
Does to Keep a Yacht in Commission." 

257 



Fables of the Elite 



first year, and each Egg raised a 
Pullet that in Turn Laid 365 more 
eggs, by the end of the Third Year 
you could pay off the National Debt, 
and still have Money to Burn. 

"This sealed my fate. ' Why,' I 
cried, ' should I waste my time Toil- 
ing cutting off Coupons, and collect- 
ing Dividends on preferred stock, 
while there are Industrious Hens to 
lay Golden Eggs for me, and Vege- 
tables crying to be Planted? ' 

" So I piked out for the country, 
where the honest and guileless Rus- 
tic unloaded a Patch of Gulleys and 
Rocks on me at the Price of City 
Lots, and where I ascertained that it 
costs more to support a Truck Patch 
than it does to keep a Yacht in 
Commission. 

259 



Fables of the Elite 



"By dint of Unremitting Labor 
and Money I succeeded at last in 
raising a Spring Chicken that cost 
me $4,000, and a few Cabbages that 
represented an Outlay of $500 a 
piece, but in the end I could stand 
the Drain on my Finances no Longer. 
The Seed Men, the Fertilizer People, 
and the Agents with Patent Devices 
for making a Setting Hen Set had 
gone through my clothes, and I had 
not a Red Left. Hence these Tears, 
and my Presence in this abode of 
the Impecunious." 

"It is undoubtedly True," re- 
marked the Owl, who had been 
listening to the conversation, "that 
a Fool and his Wad are soon Parted, 
and the result is the same whether 
it is the City Man who thinks he 
260 



Fables of the Elite 



understands Fancy Farming, or the 
Hayseed who comes to Town with a 
System for Playing the Stock Market. 
Both of you would have been on 
Easy Street instead of in the Alms 
House if you had only stuck to the 
Graft you knew and had been con- 
tent to Work your own Side of the 
Street." 

Moral: This Fable teaches the 
Folly of Butting into a Game you do 
not Understand. 



261 



3lv77-9 



I 



1 



